tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.comments2014-12-13T03:26:01.452-05:00seminalsons2http://www.blogger.com/profile/12971695045205805764noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-78267842096643927642009-08-30T07:03:38.616-04:002009-08-30T07:03:38.616-04:00Hi Ss,
I'm visiting your blog for the first t...Hi Ss, <br />I'm visiting your blog for the first time in months. <br />You're really peeling things back lately. <br />Thank you for writing about some of what you're learning about yourself, and deciding. <br />This will stay with me.Jane Hathawayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16958960058613857276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-52071911964668529632009-04-23T21:08:00.000-04:002009-04-23T21:08:00.000-04:00For You:
http://sweetteaqueers.wordpress.com/abou...For You:<br /><br />http://sweetteaqueers.wordpress.com/about/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-44502797022827337042009-03-15T10:45:00.000-04:002009-03-15T10:45:00.000-04:00What tartan did you wear. I find that it is bette...What tartan did you wear. I find that it is better for a Black man to wear a Stewart tartan kilt (Black Stewart, Hunting Stewart, or Royal Stewart). I am Black and a member of the Clan Campbell (www.ccsna.org) and I have been threatened with shooting for wearing my kilt. I do not wear my tartan anymore because it is Black watch and all the Irish wear it even though I am Scottish. I wear Stewart tartans outside because I am afraid of being shot. Check out the gallery at www.stillwaterkilts.com and there is a black man in a kilt. Also there is a movie called Formula 51 where Samuel Jackson wears his Scottish kilt. Good luck to you. Be careful and always wear a universal or Stewart tartan. Aye. Slaite'.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-37610833789485028622009-03-03T05:00:00.000-05:002009-03-03T05:00:00.000-05:00Had two friends who arent friends now. The first ...Had two friends who arent friends now. The first had an arguement with me about a third friend and once he got unfair I just had to cut myself off from him.. even when you stop comunicating with someone for very right reasons it hurts to lose a person once numbered as a friend.<BR/><BR/><BR/>the other friend I knew since high school. He was a great creative spirit, and a total force against the established order.. at least in his thoughts. It was because of him that I was introduced into the goth idustrial scene during the late eighties and his art was so stylish I kept offering to do leg work to get it published at no cost to himself. I always got the impression he ment more to me than I did to him but I thought that was just my hangups since that was my life experience (backed with more tangible evidence) since kindergarten. turns out one day he cut himself off from me for what appeared to be no reason.. All emphasis on the friendship was mine so my rational brain sees its nobodies responsibility but my own for how I felt at the time but geez it just doesnt change how ya feel inside to loose someone who felt like a brother. I have had other associates who have shown themselves to be on the wrong side of some of the lines I draw for myself after I made the effort to be friendly first.. yes it sucks people don't have a big DICKHEAD sign attached to them somewhere visible when it turns out they are going to be one.Kaneda Joneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18343630931506540110noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-29609925138101095192009-02-19T11:40:00.000-05:002009-02-19T11:40:00.000-05:00Hey! I just picked up "I Don't Want to Talk About ...Hey! <BR/><BR/>I just picked up "I Don't Want to Talk About It." Looking forward to reading it. I got a lot of good ideas out of another book of his, "How Can I Get Through to You." <BR/><BR/>I appreciate your writing. I've started doing some of my own. Take care.Galenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745814347851212149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-55127674275467115772008-12-20T18:33:00.000-05:002008-12-20T18:33:00.000-05:00here in the north end of Hamilton, (the area wrong...here in the north end of Hamilton, (the area wrongfully known for being the bad end of town), there was a little diner with a rainbow sticker in the window to show its public support of all peoples, but then I just figured he was a straight man since he had a toddler daughter running around running the place. Then I had the confusing moment when I saw them on the bus whilst he was wearing a kilt.. making me (for a short while) think he was gay . I then caught myself, realizing that since gender is so fluid I should not fall into wrong assumptions and ridged ways of stereotyping. Considering that I consider myself only 75% straight, and wish I could get up the nerve to dress with abandon, stereotypes were rich coming out me.<BR/><BR/>good on you for what you do. <BR/>shame on me for not being braver.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-53353509433627151762008-11-13T14:33:00.000-05:002008-11-13T14:33:00.000-05:00i'm interested in the feedback you've been getting...i'm interested in the feedback you've been getting from people about your more creative wardrobe. i guess dressing "weird" has been kind of an "artsy type" signal for a long time. but then, "i'm just a guy who is exploring clothes, who might like to be a rockstar type but isn't right now"... that is a nuanced thing to try to convey with outfits. sounds fun though. may the force be with you!<BR/><BR/>i think that external validation about dressing and grooming is complicated, because plumage is kind of a language. i don't want to depend on validation, but i do want to dress in ways that put my insides on the outside and help me connect with people. it's a non-verbal communication thing, so it makes some sense to want to know how it comes across to other people. i want to know how my communication is working, but it can be hard to tell that apart from just vanity and validation-seeking sometimes. even the communication aspect involves both expressing myself on my own terms, as well as trying to get through to other people on their terms. it's complicated to navigate.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-16709276125150308312008-11-12T10:43:00.000-05:002008-11-12T10:43:00.000-05:00I spent a couple years beating myself up about cra...I spent a couple years beating myself up about craving external validation. Thing is, we all love it. Where it becomes an issue is when it is our only validation, or the source of our entire self-esteem.<BR/><BR/>There's a balance to be struck there, and (for me at least) it seems to be a very thin line.The Mighty Dollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08165875580477571164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-58037917024455103492008-11-04T10:15:00.000-05:002008-11-04T10:15:00.000-05:00I imagine that the service you got is rooted in th...I imagine that the service you got is rooted in the patriarchy, but not necessarily in a subservience to men way. (If that's what you were thinking, I wasn't quite clear).<BR/><BR/>My observation has been, in general, that when a man is seen taking care of his children, he's touted as something of a hero. Since it's still very clearly the woman's role to do this stuff, when a man does it, he deserves to be lauded and rewarded.<BR/><BR/>I'm torn about it, myself. Breaking the mold we were born into and raised with is hard work, and a little recognition can go a long way. That said, by perpetuating this attitude, we prolong the time until it's considered to be an expectation on fathers to be properly involved.The Mighty Dollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08165875580477571164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-77627223036097657232008-11-04T10:09:00.000-05:002008-11-04T10:09:00.000-05:00This has been my experience of playground mommies,...This has been my experience of playground mommies, too, and I'm a white euro-can woman.<BR/><BR/>Most people just don't want to be taken outside of their comfort zone. That these same folks'll tell you how liberal and enlightened they are, really infuriates me.The Mighty Dollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08165875580477571164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-29499963732288578942008-10-19T14:30:00.000-04:002008-10-19T14:30:00.000-04:00Wow. I live in a small town in North Carolina and ...Wow. I live in a small town in North Carolina and my family just flipped at me about the same thing. I didn't understand it. It's just unbelievable. I don't know if I'm misunderstanding our what but i can't see the point over it. <BR/><BR/>I wear what I like. It's no big.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15603065506232046636noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-76220113082948293242008-09-30T11:20:00.000-04:002008-09-30T11:20:00.000-04:00Here in my country, the Philippines, the only peop...Here in my country, the Philippines, the only people who wear skirt are those members of a band trying to make an image on their own interpretation of art in wearing skirt. I don't mind about it at all in fact I think it's a very comfortable get up today.<BR/><BR/>Lastly, I admire your way of showing yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-66418403204085029402008-07-29T21:28:00.000-04:002008-07-29T21:28:00.000-04:00pwipmuvz (these gizmos that distinguish people fro...pwipmuvz (these gizmos that distinguish people from web-bots irritate me, just because they interrupt the flow, so i am tending to do them first and today my first data-entry coming your way was 'pwipmuvz' :-)<BR/><BR/>well, good to find you here, there was a long stretch when i kept finding the same post again and again so i sorta stopped coming over ... new energy happening here looks like, good<BR/><BR/>i may not be the brasil connection for very much longer though, looking more like k-k-Canada again soon, ai ai ai, and you will see on my blog that i have become obsessed with samba dancers ... this is not as superficial as it may seem, my heart is breaking to even think of leaving this place, sure enough is<BR/><BR/>be well.David Wilsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17070124514465628654noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-475502069970611112008-07-08T12:21:00.000-04:002008-07-08T12:21:00.000-04:00Can you enter your blog posts at some point, Papi?...Can you enter your blog posts at some point, Papi? :)Dark Daughtahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07461439416312772862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-44920137487595408082008-06-08T00:20:00.000-04:002008-06-08T00:20:00.000-04:00Echoes from because-I-said-so land.Glad that every...Echoes from because-I-said-so land.<BR/>Glad that everyone's OK! <BR/>At my (nearly) exclusively female workplace, in meetings, there is some deference paid to me (my point of view) b/c I'm the man.<BR/>Sometimes, by some women. <BR/>There is something saccharine about it though. A way taught to behave. And somehow then, a falseness that comes between us. I feel I'm being tolerated - allowed to be this different creature that must be tolerated because I'm different from the assembled sisterhood. <BR/>This almost always by the younger. The older ladies seem to recognize the slight and work their gentle bridge-making.<BR/>That saccharine moment is the divide, the outcasting. What makes me both want to prove myself, and to shut up.<BR/>Caste<BR/>Castle<BR/>Castigador.<BR/>thanks seminalson for opening my valves.<BR/>I can reach the blues. My voice goes there, but If I look like that david archuleta(sp?) guy from american idol, does that spoil the effect?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-54387403043296415472008-03-24T10:06:00.000-04:002008-03-24T10:06:00.000-04:00Glad to hear you are ok. I have never thought a lo...Glad to hear you are ok. I have never thought a lot about how I move in comparison to how my partner moves. What you have said seems accurate. I move with much caution and he moves like a dragon. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and I wish that more men would have your insight. <BR/>Please tell DD that I miss her and I hope she starts writing again soon.The Rogue Midwifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14097432512032835179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-85279919046634694032008-03-06T07:52:00.000-05:002008-03-06T07:52:00.000-05:00S2, i came by to see what happened at the ER. glad...S2, i came by to see what happened at the ER. glad it's not going to be a long-term problem. and lucky it was an opportunity for you to examine why it happened, really. <BR/><BR/>anyway, happy to see you're up and around and in one piece.Jane Hathawayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16958960058613857276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-19256908390047509372008-02-12T20:48:00.000-05:002008-02-12T20:48:00.000-05:00"catch the glareswrap them up in my handthrow the ..."catch the glares<BR/>wrap them up in my hand<BR/>throw the back"<BR/><BR/>Love this.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for coming over and leaving me something of you. I can add it to my collection of things I am hoarding from that day to make a scrapbook page.minority midwifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07908138985132917245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-89061089968641608272008-02-11T04:39:00.000-05:002008-02-11T04:39:00.000-05:00Your poems tug at my heart. I hope you'll keep goi...Your poems tug at my heart. I hope you'll keep going.Jane Hathawayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16958960058613857276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-37340422109762860672008-02-09T19:55:00.000-05:002008-02-09T19:55:00.000-05:00"I don't write poetry..."I do that a lot. Saying I..."I don't write poetry..."<BR/><BR/>I do that a lot. Saying I don't, right before I do something. Disclaimers. I have a friend who, when somebody does that, pipes up and says, "I guess you don't get to tell that story anymore." I don't like being told what I can or can't do anymore, but I do like to be reminded that there are stories I'm making up about myself.<BR/><BR/>So... I liked reading this poem (inhale, exhale, safe... I can feel that). I especially like that the next poem post doesn't have an explanation or justification or disclaimer. Reminds me to cut down on that too and just get down to business. Thanks for that.sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03690057834581978373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-39326574010851952252008-01-25T13:51:00.000-05:002008-01-25T13:51:00.000-05:00S2: can you explain this to me..."You and I exerci...S2: can you explain this to me...<BR/><BR/>"You and I exercise patriarchal power just by walking into a room filled with women, and them giving you attention - simply because you are a man."<BR/><BR/>How am I exercising patriarchal power by walking into a room? By how people react to me, or how I look or carry myself?<BR/><BR/>I've had people cross the street when I'm walking down the street at night, lock the doors at the stop light. Is that me or them? Am I what they fear or is it something in them that makes them fear me?<BR/><BR/>I don't live in a black community, I live in an overwhelming white community. I live with a 50 year old white lesbian who has two partners in an open relationship. She does her thing and I do mine. We get along well. I'm renting from her.<BR/><BR/>How am I exercising my patriarchal power over her?<BR/><BR/>I'm asking because I don't feel I do. That's not to say that I'm not aware that I am physically stronger, that I can raise my voice, that I could "attempt" to dominate her.<BR/><BR/>About AA and alcoholism. You know, we say prior to speaking in meetings, "I'm so-and-so and I am an alcoholic. But more and more I buck on this. Is being an alcoholic a noun or a verb? Is it what I do or what I am? What approach to my "dis-ease" makes the most sense, is most accurate, will help me heal?<BR/><BR/>Its funny because DD just posted something about "the 16 steps," an alternative conception of recovery that breaks from the - white, christian, patriarchal, classist - approach of 12 step programs. This woman, Charlotte Kasl wrote a book called 'Many Roads, One Journey,' about the AA experience for many women, people of color, how it didn't serve them, how people found alternatives to following the one road of AA.<BR/><BR/>The objective is healing, not thinking like a good AA, quoting the Big Book, quoting the literature of the program. This is a big part of what informs my coming to this conversation about men and power and how we use it wrongly, how we can be authentic people.<BR/><BR/>Many roads, one journey. <BR/><BR/>I have been sober for 16+ years. I have put my shit under a microscope for alcoholism, sex addiction, debting. AA was the beginning of the journey into my real self. <BR/><BR/>My addiction was all about armoring myself, hardening myself. I was the sensitive one in my family, the sensitive male. "You're too sensitive" was a curse that I heard often from my father. To cry was to be a girl which meant to be weak, a lil' bitch, a faggot.<BR/><BR/>Drinking healed my vulnerability to these charges, allowed my mouth to spew callous taunts, pickup lines, fighting words. I wasn't bad all of the time but my bad nights were unpredictable. Sooner or later, I'd get into that really negative, paranoid space and say or do the wrong thing. I suffered or mad other people suffer the consequences.<BR/><BR/>Women were the main objects of my acting out. Going to bars, embalmed with beer, I was trying to get some pussy. I fucked hundreds of women without a thought for their needs, concerns. That's my side of the street. I'm not dumb enough to believe that they were all merely victims of me. They had their reasons for being there; but speculating about why they were there, why they went with me won't heal me. <BR/><BR/>I've heard people use the phrase "play the tape" meaning being able to play the tape BEFORE you act. For some drunks, the idea of a drink will begin to feel good again, feel like a good idea. Playing the tape is being able to bring forth the images of the last time you drank to negate the rosy illusion coming up in your head.<BR/><BR/>Recognizing my patriarchal power can follow a similar pattern and I've experienced it. I may have an idea, a desire for a woman, want to say something...or maybe it has nothing to do with a person in my face but just an idea about a woman. I can play the tape and step back from that thought or idea and be like: "dude, do you see where that idea will lead you? Do you see what that means, how that is related to old ways of thinking?<BR/><BR/>If patriarchy is a verb, it is possible to interrupt it before using it. If its a noun and a dick is all that qualifies you for membership and there's nothing you can do about it, why worry? Why bother? Why should I be concerned if I can't avoid being one regardless of what I do? <BR/><BR/>This is random, but I'm friends with a sister here. She has a car and I don't. When we've gone out a couple of times, she's felt funny giving me a ride, the expectation of having to give me a lift, me a man. If the shoe was on the other foot, the most natural thing would be for me to give her a lift home after hanging out. But she feels weird; so I told her, hey, let's hangout earlier in the day so I can catch a bus, won't be waiting at the bus stop so late, so you won't feel obligated.<BR/><BR/>Now, a part of me is like, fuck, people are people, you have a car, I don't, I can't get a lift? I don't know what that's about but I'd rather catch the bus than find out. <BR/><BR/>Today, I'm not dating anyone - black, white, brown, green. It just hasn't come together for me. And since I got divorced in '02, I haven't had a serious relationship. I don't bar hop, crack on women randomly for their phone numbers. I did do a little Internet dating at random intervals.<BR/><BR/>So, I'm a patriarch without a subject, a king without a throne. Except...I do have a daughter and she is such a teacher, brings up so much of my upbringing, so much of my man, control, power. <BR/><BR/>I get to try to be a conscious parent in a way my parent's couldn't be. Yes, the inner patriarch rears its head here and I have to REALLY watch myself. Its not easy and I've made many mistakes. I try to steer her this way, but she wants to go that. She wants to watch TV or use my computer to play games. She won't draw when I suggest it or put her puzzle together. So what to do? <BR/><BR/>You can't do that until you do this. Is that right? The struggle continues.<BR/><BR/>Feelings. FEELINGS. I have a mountain of them. I HURT. I didn't get the love that I deserved, wasn't heard or seen. Was belittled. Wasn't black enough or white enough, wasn't tall enough or bad enough. I was a nerd, a nonentity. Nothing, a zero. When I went to private school, I was lost, a roach, an idiot. Going to school with all of those white folks I wanted to die. I hated it. I became a clown, of service to their white power. After all I couldn't be myself.<BR/><BR/>As I struggle through and out of my cave or prison and come more and more into my own, I will challenge myself to listen to others and to share my stories. I will examine myself and see how the stuff imposed on me has affected me, things like racism/white supremacy, patriarcy, heterosexism. I'm gonna do it on my road.<BR/><BR/>Our roads may run parallel, but they ain't the same. And I've got to allow you to be you and on your own road and I need to have my road and way respected. Because if its not and I have to think and believe what you do or the way you do about patriarchy or whatever, then that's an old road that I've been on before. And I'm not traveling any old roads.<BR/><BR/>Peace.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-80795808385748406442008-01-25T11:25:00.000-05:002008-01-25T11:25:00.000-05:00FS, I here you.You want me to speak from an emotio...FS, I here you.<BR/>You want me to speak from an emotional place. Well talking about how I used my privilege in Black community was hard for me. I feel hurt when I think about how I've moved through the world. There were things that got in the way of how I could deal with how I was treating women. I was angry.<BR/>I still am, to some degree. That's why I need to blog/ talk to you...<BR/>I was shut down. I wanted to lash out because of being consistently disempowered by my brother. I think it made matters worse that no one acknowledged my pain.<BR/> <BR/>I'd be crying. ..<BR/>and crying...<BR/>and crying..<BR/>and my dad was like - <BR/>Seminalson, what's wrong? You ok?!<BR/><BR/>"No I'm not fucking OK... <BR/>and you know why I'm not fucking ok! <BR/>It's been 10 years of fucking terror! <BR/><BR/>What is your soul made of fucking STONE!?"<BR/><BR/>no answer.<BR/>...<BR/>...<BR/>still no response...<BR/><BR/>nothing<BR/>nothing<BR/>nothing<BR/><BR/>Are you even in there?<BR/><BR/>You're family is suppose to care, Freeslave.<BR/><BR/>You're family is suppose to fucking care! YOU'RE FAMILY IS SUPPOSE TO FUCKING CARE!<BR/><BR/>Freeslave, I'm in pain. <BR/>I was seeing a counselor, but I've stopped for too long...<BR/><BR/>Okay - back to how I treated women:<BR/>Now, true - this doesn't excuse my abuse of patriarchal power. All men are patriarchs. If you are born a male on this planet - you're automatically one. But part of me reaching out to you is (and any other men) is to talk about this, share our feelings, thoughts, and do what men are not suppose to do with each other - CARE. <BR/><BR/>You wrote: "I'm looking at the opportunities that I have to exercise patriarchal power; I'm looking at how I've used it in the past; I'm disowning and backing away from it when I recognize it, when I see it in real time." <BR/><BR/>Can you expand on this? <BR/>You and I exercise patriarchal power just by walking into a room filled with women, and them giving you attention - simply because you are a man. (And let me be clear: I grew up a Black person - as you can see from my picture (!), with the police following me all the time, me not being able to get a cab home, etc. I'm saying this because I want hold the racist experiences I have had, together with the privilege I can wield. I think doing this will keep me from just seeing myself as victim, victim, victim... I'm not saying that is what you are doing. What I am saying is that I want to be friends, and this is one of the ways I think it would be nice to get to know each other. <BR/>I also think this work will improve our relationships with other women, and ourselves. <BR/>It's all about looking at ourselves.)<BR/><BR/>I have an experience of trying to have this discussion with other men over the years - which I am going to post about - and they aren't emotionally ready, and back away. <BR/>You should know, I feel extremely cautious when it comes to opening up with a man, because I was abused for a long time by my brother. I know you've talked about AA a little with DD, but I would like to hear what you have to say too, Freeslave. <BR/>Talk to me. I'll listen.s2https://www.blogger.com/profile/12971695045205805764noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-64859722356490485762008-01-24T22:39:00.000-05:002008-01-24T22:39:00.000-05:00S2: I don't know what I didn't get to from your pr...S2: I don't know what I didn't get to from your previous post. What is the question. <BR/><BR/>I feel like you're telling me that I just need to accept in whole cloth what women, or you say no matter what. Is that correct? I don't know. I'm confused. I feel like I should consider where and how I agree.<BR/><BR/>Having someone wag their finger in my face and holler: "YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC/YOU'RE A PATRIARCH" doesn't seem a very effective strategy to promote self reflection, particularly when one is opening themselves up, trying to remove the shrapnel at the same time. Removing shrapnel from yourelf is hard enough without someone repeating, "you've got shrapnel in your leg, you've got shrapnel in your leg." No, I need help ID'ing the shrapnel, specifically, not restating the obvious. And some awareness that I have removed some of it and am committed to removing all of it. <BR/><BR/>It probably feels good to the person doing that, but having been a part of a little personal transformation, it seems doomed to failure. But that's just my opinion.<BR/><BR/>I also grew up in the United States, not Canada, so I didn't experience it through books, or television or visits. I've been a black man all my life - who grew up in the good ole USA of lynching, castration - physical, emotional, spiritual.<BR/><BR/>So, I know that I have male privilege, male power. And it cuts both ways here in the larger culture. Nigga men are the greatest threat to the white man, thus they have received the full force of his oppressive machinery.<BR/><BR/>Certainly, I have power over women. I, as a male represent a group that poses the greatest threat to women. Its kind of like the concept of "all white people being racist suspects" from 'TheCode.Net.' I get that. <BR/><BR/>But after we've been beaten over the head with theory and studies and books and told we are patriarchs, we who need and must change have to be met on a heart level by somebody, don't we? Otherwise, its going back to doing my work on my own which I ain't got a problem with.<BR/><BR/>I'm looking at the opportunities that I have to exercise patriarchal power; I'm looking at how I've used it in the past; I'm disowning and backing away from it when I recognize it, when I see it in real time. Its not like I don't know that I can be a patriarch - but I'm not married, I'm not in a committed or uncommitted relationship; I'm not a minister, pastor or officeholder. I work from home. I don't know whether I agree that because I have a dick, that I am an unequivocal, practicing patriarch, particularly because I've been working at this for a little while now.<BR/><BR/>S2, you say I didn't like what was coming out of DD's mouth because she is a woman. I wouldn't have like it coming out of your mouth either. <BR/><BR/>I know DD is a brilliant person, aren't we all? We are all brilliantly human, growing, with much to learn and I think its important to keep our individual growth up front. <BR/><BR/>I am moving through and past this moment with DD, but it is a process and that whole encounter will continue to percolate within me. If you can't hear how I feel about that, please let me know and I won't mention it here again. <BR/><BR/>A part of the messy of this path is that we never get "there;" we get closer, better, stronger, more flexible, but we are never there. Even those with an analysis are weighed down by life, family upbringing, pain, beauty. It is how we negotiate it that is important. I don't want to be a wooden, patriarchal, archetype and have my humanity deleted or reduced.<BR/><BR/>We have to allow each other our own individual humanity, our unique story or else we're talking behind masks, poses, positions.<BR/><BR/>One more thing by way of metaphor: One of my favorite quotes is by Sonny Rollins - "It took me years to learn what notes NOT to play." And another by Lee Morgan: "I think a definite style comes with living and experience and travelling until you play what you are, you play yourself on the horn.”<BR/><BR/>Theory is great, as is technique. But it is the fusion of them with lived experience, wisdom, patience, a little distance that counts for much. Listen to any great artist; they've discarded the youthful exuberance and know how to play the notes that count. We're all learning this; so we should recognize.<BR/><BR/>So, I look forward to engaging with you where I talk to you about my shit primarily and you do the same, where you can be yourself and I can do the same. But this stuff just had to be as it was. Again, sorry you had to be on the receiving end.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-29938497794999503052008-01-23T20:41:00.000-05:002008-01-23T20:41:00.000-05:00I was enjoying the posts with DD as well until we ...I was enjoying the posts with DD as well until we reached point zero. We all need to grow - not just me, men, patriarchs. All of us do. In order to do this kind of work, I have to be around safe people and also teachable people. I need to be around loving, sensitive people.<BR/><BR/>When I got sober, if people had been coming at me like DD - with a lot of intellectual assertions, without a sensitivity to where I've been, where I'm coming from and what I need - I wouldn't have lasted a day. Recovery for me was a supportive environment. Most of the people who appealed to my drunk, weren't pushing people to think any particular way. They shared their experience, strength and hope. They encouraged us to use the tools of recovery. But there were no overlords who knew everything, who taught everyone, but who weren't teachable - who appealed to me. That model doesn't work for me, be it man or woman.<BR/><BR/>We typically don't point the finger at folks and indict them as alcoholics. So this process was doomed from the start. What was most disappointing was to open up about myself and have the tenor change to "you are a patriarch, dangerous, etc." It was like this switch: I went from being me, getting butt naked, to being the a choirboy for patriarchy. Everything was you-patriarchy this, you-patriarchy that and I'm like, "I thought I was talking to DD about myself.<BR/><BR/>Little too overthetop cerebral for my little boy's taste. And also, I have issues with the bravado: "you're not going to like me/some people call me a castrator" and then basically trying to live up to those boasts. <BR/><BR/>Now, to say that I guess makes me the ultimate patriarch. I felt reduced, in each disagreement, diagnosed, put in a box. And I felt completely unheard by her and I didn't feel a whole lot of heart/emotional stuff coming at me.<BR/><BR/>I want to heal but not on somebody's time schedule. She told me I took too much time today, so she was moving on. Well, that's some commitment; I don't respond in a day and bam. But that's all good. <BR/><BR/>Again, I bring up AA and believe me, I have BIG problems with the program; but, for people to change, particularly ones who want to change, show up to spaces where they can examine their shit, it ain't safe to be diagnosed by folks who don't even know you, reduced to a cariacature. <BR/><BR/>DD told me that she gave me a lot; which suggests I didn't give her shit, didn't teach her shit, didn't have anything to teach her because after all: Malcolm wouldn't know what to do with her. I'm like, okay, just fill me up with your wisdom since I don't have shit to say. <BR/><BR/>DD brings a lot of smarts/analysis to the table, but its hers and its limited to her experience, what she's read and thought about and experienced. The world is wider than that. So I don't concede that the conversation that she and I were having was just about patriarchy and my resistance to her tutoring me in it: it was also about her view of patriarchy and her methods of communication, her hurts that may or may not be completely healed, her persona, "Dark Daughter," living up to her name, bringing it hard, stabbing it deep into you. OUCH. <BR/><BR/>And either I bought it, or I'm a little bitch who doesn't want to let go of his male privilege. That's bullshit.<BR/><BR/>And I will say this: I am a sensitive man who has done much work and who enjoys sensitive people, especially in close proximity to me doing my own work. So, I'm not so enthused to be a part of someone's whirlwind that doesn't suit my temperament or pace, or tenderness. <BR/><BR/>As you've noted several times, men need to cry: well, hell yeah we do. But do you want to cry around people who don't care, people standing over you telling you "HURTMUTHAFUCKAHURT?!" Or, do you want to cry, feel, spread around someone who understands that for you as a man to do that is incredibly vulnerable, incredibly different - even if there is some "alleged" power differential between men and women. I want to emotional vaseline thrown on the steely dan before its jammed up in me. I ain't used to no rough ride and I don't necessarily like the site of my own blood.<BR/><BR/>Some folks in recovery like tough love; they want somebody to kick their ass and lead them, push them, think for them, berate them, ignore their essence. I'm not one of those people.<BR/><BR/>S2, it may be that "something" came up for me around my patriarchy. Maybe. And maybe something came up for me around real healing, what's necessary for it, what kind of approach do I need to take and who can my real allies be on that journey. I love strong people, but not hard people and there is a difference that many of us don't understand. I personally try not to hide too much behind a persona, a facade. I'm stumbling towards health and looking at my shit. Folks aren't going to move me except in the other direction, by using a club.<BR/><BR/>Partners in the struggle - I'm down with. People who can allow me my process, allow me to maintain my humanity, who don't reduce me to a patriarchal caricature, I can hang with. Otherwise, I can do my own work all by myself.<BR/><BR/>Sorry to lay all of this on you. I apologize for that and I hope you understand that I needed to say this to you if we were going to talk truly. And know that I know that there is much for me to learn from DD but in a manner that serves me, works for me as well.<BR/><BR/>Take careAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6861187.post-62324424768353537612008-01-22T00:50:00.000-05:002008-01-22T00:50:00.000-05:00S2: So what prevents us from talking? I'm curious...S2: So what prevents us from talking? I'm curious why we have spoken so little. <BR/><BR/>I don't know if you know much about jazz/jazz history, but when Charlie Parker, Thelonious Monk and number of other famous and anonymous figures began toying around with a common idea they heard inside of them, they weren't trying to create bebop. They were trying to deal with that thing that was percolating inside of them. <BR/><BR/>Who knows if they would have found it if they were motivated by a desire to create a movement. ONe of the weaknesses of movements is that too often, people want the movement to do all the work for them. Another is that they join it like its a fraternity or something. They want to belong but not to themselves.<BR/><BR/>My inner wisdom tells me, keep following the bubbles. Keep dealing with that "splinter in my mind," keep trying to reach it, lay it open, feel it claim it. And yes, collaborate with those who are seeking the same thing. But it is very important to change me and not get ahead of myself. <BR/><BR/>When we find the internalized racist/patriarch/homophobe within, and begin to heal it, openly claim it the way alcoholics claim their "dis-ease," THAT is the movement. The movement needs that seed right there; the one who does their work on themselves with what tools they can find and is as real as real can get. <BR/><BR/>I'm committed to trying with healing all by myself or with whoever can deal with me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com