DAD USES KIDS EQUIPMENT TO BOX

This is how I know we have so far to go - because of actions like this. I just came back from an indoor playground. It was extremely busy with children, thankfully it is really big. There was a man who trying to teach his 2 sons (they were maybe 2 and 3 years old) how to box. Yes.. I said box.
At first I was in shock, and then I was thinking - why am I in shock. He is copying what he knows - what his version of masculinity is... and I was also thinking - he is going to teach the other children to be really really aggressive - and he was. This indoor gym has two dozen multiple colored hanging bags so the children can run and bump into them. That's the point. It's for the children. But this fool has decided he's going to use them like boxing punching bags. Seriously hitting them hard and very targeted.
So I watch for a while (perhaps 5 minutes) and my blood starts to boil. I start to thinking about confronting the man - and then thinking - if he can do that no problem - perhaps he's not of sound mind anyway. He may not even understand if I suggest to him that it is not appropriate. Clearly - he's feeling good about his actions.
Then his children come over to him.. one is 2 the other is a maximum of 3 years. Now they start pretending to box like their dad and the younger one gets picked up by their dad and he starts to put place his hands on the hanging bags.

I look around - my children are on the other side of the indoor gym doing their own thing. I start to think.. I can't just DO nothing. Surely - children are gonna get more and more aggressive and eventually a child may end up knocking into my kids - edged on by this moron-father and his children.

I look to the staff. They look at him, and they look away.
The father moves off to do something else - but comes back a few minutes later.

He continues.
I look at the staff again. I start to approach fed up with his behaviour. I look at my cell phone on way over to the man- for the time and notice that our time at the indoor playground had run out. He don't want to be charged more time and see my kids - still on the other side of the play park.

"I'll just have a quick word with this man before we leave, I say to myself out loud" as I reach the father.

Then - just as I get to within talking distance - a woman intercepts me and comes up to the man.

"Honey!.. you are doing such a good job - I can't believe it - his aim is just like yours" and she lays one kiss on her partner. And I'm thinking: seriously? .. is this some kind of candid camera moment - this is not real. Then my daughter - at full throttle - comes running into me - apparently I have been made "T.O." - time out- for the chase game she is playing. I look at her, sigh, and we go look for her brother we leave.

I never did end up saying anything to the father. Sigh.

BLAME: Can't just blame my mother

After some conversation today - a harsh reality is swirling in my head around the choices that I make - and the choices my mother had a couple of years back. 

**If you're new to this blog please go back and read some posts cause I'm not much interested in doing a full re-cap of everything. Thanks in advance**

So - a couple of years ago - my mother invited me into her counseling sessions. I was intially excited. Progress. Connection. Commitment. Now, keep in mind - most folks would be mega excited to be trying to work through stuff with there parents - if they were willing. But this IS complicated stuff with lots of layers. Let me explain.  (And as always - let me know YOUR thoughts)..  T.B>continued..

Pre-Visit to Mother's Counselor

So - I just spoke to my mother and I am going to be heading to her counselor tomorrow. She doesn't know why I am heading there - and I still have to write out - like MY counselor suggested - exactly what I want to say. I also need to let my mother's counselor know that she uses her, OR her health, anxiety - anything to avoid conversations and I hope that this will not happen in this conversation. Yesterday I wrote about realizations re: my mother's behaviour and on the advice of my partner and my counselor - I need to draw a line in the sand.

I actually don't know what the result of this is going to be. Not a clue. Both my folks are unpredictable in some ways - but really it comes done to how seriously am **I** going to take this. My counselor says that for my own protection, sanity, and for the sake of being able to have relationships that are deep and close - this needs to happen.

I need to stop protecting her. What am I protecting her from? I'm not sure.

New post! Feelings & Manipulations

So. What has brought me back to blog land. My relationship being on the brink and me thinking - you know what - maybe it will help if folks know what I'm thinking. So - I'm just gonna dive in. But folks? I'd really like it if you commented. Cause it is a lonely internet world out here..

-

Today I cried in my counseling appointment. I had been describing what happened over the weekend with my mother (and by extension my father) and realized how fucked up it was.  

-

Weeks back my mother had told me that she was going to New York City and I said to her: directly to her face that it would great to take daughter with her because she was going to an art exhibit and going to see a famous African American artist.  She sounded positive - as though that would be a grand idea - only - to not mention it again. In fact, first she said she was feeling under the weather days leading up to her departure - and then the day before - she announced that she was going.  

But no mention of daughter coming with her.  Just an offer:   "would you like to borrow our car during the time we are gone?"  WOw, I'm just seeing here how manipulative she can be.

But then, so can I. That's where I learned it.

So - this past weekend I went over to Monorovia - the house I grew up in.  I had son & daughter with me.  I observed a lot of behaviours that I had decided I don't "really" do. My father was there too - he did his usual "pleasantries" - not very interactive at all. He seemed to very interested in son. But that is only when Oli is interactive with him - otherwise - he'll go and watch the american all news network.

On Sunday morning - I told daughter and son that we'd be going to a park downtown for a show featuring many of their personalities from their favorite children's television network. They were very excited.  I was excited for them. About 15 minutes before we left the house - my mother asked if she could come. 

I said yes.. but was curious about why she wanted to come. 

She said it was because she had just gotten back from a huge metropolis south of the border and didn't feel like staying home.  I thought to myself: oh, it's not because she wants to spend more time with the grandchildren. lol... 

*

We all went to the event and the children had an amazing time. Then we went out to dinner at restaurant. 

But the point of this post is (and this came out in my counseling session) is that I still operate in a mode that is protecting my mother. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and what's more - I don't want her to hurt mine. I hurts me that she didn't want to take daughter away with her - to an exhibition she would have loved.  It also hurts that she wouldn't talk about it. What's more: then she offers up a "carrot" like her car - something that she surely knows my family would find useful here and there.

*

This reminds me of some of my behaviour in what are suppose to be close relationships. I tend to think that NOT addressing an issue and offering up WHAT I BELIEVE will be useful is better than actually dealing with an issue.  But really - I think it is just about NOT dealing it, and pretending it will all go away. But what that amounts to is me just getting what I want and disregarding the other person's feelings.

Why speaking nicely to me doesn't work.

'You sound angry.'
'You sound sweet.'
'You sound ...'
well - in truth it doesn't matter what you sound like - all that matters is how I've constructed you. More on this in my next post.

When memories rule your life and you won't admit it

When I was grwoing up, I learned the most important thing I can do - is make everything good, and nice, and cover it over so things appear great. So I've never talked about when my 5year daughter was angry with me for something years back - she decided to use her head as a clobber. The end of that story is what I don't talk about - cause it does not sound nice, or tidy, or make me look good. I also learned, that - that was also crucial for survival. 'Make sure you look good'.

Some back story:

As I've written here before - I was beaten up, and terrorized by my brothers on an almost daily basis starting at the age of 8. It was a difficult time, scary, and wrong. And it effected the way I grew up, and understood my relationships with men... and in fact all people.

I would avoid relationships with men altogether - or just not believe that real friendship interactions were possible. Or I'd understood that it all had to do with power and domination, and humiliation. That was what I understood.

That is what I understand.

I must always be on guard for an attack, or I must always be on the defensive. And well, I must always communicate subtle sarcastic tones to try and unnerve people around me. I'm not always like this - but it is part of me for sure. Admitting and talking about this after such a long while came only because of an argument 1TMB and I were having. And argument that brought our relationship and family to the brink of collapse. It still teders ...

You see, I chose to see her as my oppressor, dominator too. It affords me a lot of room to not listen to her, be mean, and overall have a place to put my anger - yes -
without any regard for how she feels.

Did I mention feelings were not really a big priority in my house growing up?
They weren't at all - and in fact, they aren't now either.

So, at the top - I mentioned how my daughter was frustrated at me ( her father) and decided she was going to try and bump me with her head to show her discontent. Having not dealt with any of my triggers, memories, and family in any meaningful way - I suddenly saw my daughter as my abusive brother - barreling down at me.

She was 5.

Didn't matter.

I moved out of her way, which resulted in her bumping into the wall behind me, and starting to cry.

-

It has taken me years and years and under INTENSE pressure to even murmur any words about his. And I mean murmur because 1tbm has been hitting her head against a metaphorical brick wall for almost 8 years - trying to get me to speak open and honestly about this and other feelings happening in my head.

I refuse.

She tells me it is important, for our children's lives, our family house, for what is left of our relationship/friendship connection.

I refuse. I refuse. I refuse.

Clearly something is wrong here.

My daughter? Well, thankful she has a mother like 1tbm who does use a lot of words. 1tbm and herself have great connection and 1tbm has been filling in much of the gaps (I have left gulfs..) that I created in some of my interactions with daughter.

This was not the way it was suppose to be.

My son is 3.

You know what is really hard? Tracking my behaviours

I was sitting on my verandha having a conversation with DD a few moments ago and after much struggle to get me to talk (still as we close in on 10 years), and I begin to realize that I totally take relationships: the construction, the maintenance, the crafting, the building, the caring - .. I totally take it all for granted.

I never saw anyone crafting the kind of relationships they wanted to have with others growing up. From what I could tell, and from what my parents have told me, you're just supposed to roll with whatever the Universe has dealt you.

I know FOR ME, I certainly didn't grow up understanding the need to put thought into relationships. I really didn't. If they happened they did, if they didn't, they didn't. And my relationship with DD - that's a nightmare so much of the time in terms of communicating and building (except when I want something done).

Breathing.
Sad.
Deep exhale.

I say to myself, that I'd like a partner in crime, someone to share everything with, but I'm not sure that's true.

Fuck!
I know I say this all the time.. but I will start more blogging again. It does help.
Gotta pick up daughter from camp now.

Equity, a start

The mornings, and nighttime are a hard place for me. They always have been.

Hands around neck
Grabbing
Squeezing
Yelling

No One coming.
That really hurts.

-

Above: a memory from my past between my abusive brother and I.

I find myself in the same place again.
Well, maybe this is a different place today. THIS morning I actually decided to write something.

It was about 5am and Sholee my 3 year old woke up and wanted to see his mother. He is being taken off breast milk and I can see that DD doesn't get full sleep when he sleeps with her. He moves his legs, arms, waist every which way while breastfeeding.
It has taken me a while to even sleep with him- I didn't want too - I just wanted to try and get some sleep. But DD repeatedly asked me how I understood getting restful sleep over and over again- while she did not.

How did I understand doing that, but still expect her to function fully in the house and in our various art/business schemes.

Well really, I didn't really care.
I know, it sounds bad. But I didn't.

I just wanted what I wanted. And I still want WHAT I want - inequitably. You see, I think I understand equity in theory - but I need reminding in real life. You know, I also think to myself - these arguments would not be happening with a man, because I would already (built into the patriarchy) respect them enough to not try and make an effort to be equitable.

But DD isn't a man, and so here I am writing on the computer and feeling very sad about communicating not being taught to me when I was a child, whether it was by my father (which it was not) or whether was a brother or well someone.

That really sucks. My little boy longs for it, and thinks DD is his parent. Not a good place for either DD or myself.

My little boy sees DD as the father he didn't have.

My son turns 3

I'm back. again. Well I never really went anywhere.
Today (like most days) I feel like a teenager. Except I get a lot more attention from others now, and I don't look so awkward. That is generally my focus however. Am I getting attention? I'm like an attention whore. Actually I am an attention whore.

But, I'd like to focus on my family again. YOu see, I seem to be sitting on the reality that I'm very similiar to my father. God - I thought if I just ignored this reality long enough - it would just go away.

But here I am (look HOW MANY years ago I started this blog) and I feel like I've gone nowhere.

Today is my son's birthday. I can't believe he's 3. I can remember catching him, when he came out of Dark. What a day that was. What a day this will be. Tomorrow, I'll be hosting a naming ceremony.

I worry a bit about hosting anything, and about it's focus on men. But, it's important. Why worry - well -I've never done anything like it before. Don't get me wrong, I'm also super excited. It will be good to have the men who I'm close to at the particular point in my life to come and help celebrate his life.

NEW BLOG TO PROMOTE

http://sweetteaqueers.wordpress.com/about/

Thank-you anonymous (sad that you with held your blog, or other identity) but thanks for this. It is good to see folks are doing things. Right on! This makes me very very happy. Cheers!

A NEW FRIEND DID A LITTLE SHAFTING

I had another session with my counselor. We did more of the psycho dramatic sessions- this time I played my mother. I had been holding off on doing her - but some really important truths came out it. He (my counselor) made an obversation about my childhood house. Remember, he's asked me to perform each member of my family house. We done my great aunt, my father and then over the past few weeks - we/I've been dealing with the death of my father-in-law.
Jim (not my counselor's name) after now "seeing" all the adults that we the house was set up like when you came home, everyone entered their own silos. I have a lot more to write about this. And I will - but right now.. to my friend.

I always have had a problem with that word - but for a brief time I think I forgot about the dynamics that can exist between people when nothing is acknowledged. Really, I think I loved so much to spend time with this person - he seemed to match me creatively, and in terms of passion and vigor - that I forgot one crucial and totally PARAMOUNT element to our interaction.

He is primarily a work contact. And I only have myself to blame .. so much stuff rapped up in being near this person. He's charming, humble, good looking, talented, and funny. I like being around him - I don't feel like I need to be the one carrying the interaction. He's also bigger than I am - and since I had abusive brothers, neglectful parents - my little boy inside - saw him as a great protector.

Fuck.
Christ.
Shit.
God damn it..

I really liked him.
I felt good hanging out with him. Why did he have to go and be a fuck head?

More to come.
Boy, it feels good to put this down on paper and look it. I'm starting to look at the ways I engage with various people , and take them for granted.

More later.. - I pulled an all nighter and then dropped the kid at school.

Back from my counseling session...

I feel very raw today. I have never been rocked to my core.. of allowed myself to be rocked like I was last night during in treatment. The whole series (beyond the hype) is amazing. I feel amazing having this show and the character of Alex to connect with -- not in a lovely dovey way - just a simple connection.

And then they dropped a stone on my head. They killed him. I told my counselor that is simply not possible for an African american to exist past the specific stereotypes which have been allowed to flourish.

Questioning? Feeling? Asking? Demanding? NO NO NO
Lots of tears today in my counselors office.
Godd tears.
Healthly tears. Tears in the presence of anoth0er man. I felt ok. I felt safe.. not my usual experience with men. ANOTHER NONONO

Can we have more?
can't we have more than tracy Moore , Martin Laurence, and Eddie Murphy?

I am a complex being, hungry, thirdsty, for a new kind of brotha, a new kind of man.. no not the Obama "proper Blackman" kind of man.. but a sentient being who lives fully, thinks fully, loves fully.. happily, proudly.

Lots more to come

Alex

'I don't want to talk about it" is the title of the book I've been reading for over a year now.. off and on.. for me it is emotionally draining and exciting all at once. Not like any other book I've put my hands on...
... It is so amazing.. it should be required reading for all men today. Period.
No really it should.

I picked it up again off the bookshelf just to re-connect to Real's (the author) words and was again reminded of the torment so many men live under and don't even know it - in terms of so many decisions.. daily decisions they make - in an effort to live up to the "masculinity" standards.

I certainly have a past of trying to live up to those standards.

Earlier this year, I started watching episodes of the HBO series "In Treatment". Over the past couple of weeks, Darkdaughta and I started to watch the show in a batch. I think we've watched about 30-35 of the episodes .. and one of the characters that really stands out to me is 'Alex' portrayed by Blair Underwood.

I don't want to give away too much if you haven't seen the show... but it is truly amazing to watch this actor play this specific role. It (the role) is UNLIKE any African-American character I've seen in on network or cable television in recent memory.. forget that.. in all of my memory.

And take note: FYI - I by no means only watch Black american characters on the tube - quite the opposite in fact... because sooo many of the Black characters on TV are written as flat as a Denny's flap jack - I have now come to expect Black characters to be under-developed, under-written, and just generally lacking.

It is actually this kind of stereotype that I battle with on this site, and in the real world... No worries though.. life continues... I continue.. - back to the show...

As soon as I was introduced to the character - pieces of him I 'knew', other pieces I didn't want to know, ... but I did. Alex is a classic case of someone who is so-hyper masculine - you know that a little boy is hiding under there.. scared and alone.

I think a lot of men are in Alex's shoes. I'm not saying we are exactly like this character however, pieces of us are there. How could would not be? We (men) have not - in any real fundamental way really looked at how we have been formed - the choices we have made in regards to so many of out life decisions that supposedly make us 'real' men.

The decisions are all made for us: who we'll love, who we'll love, who'll fuck, who'll we'll hate, what we wear, how we walk, how we talk, how we eat, how we listen, HOW WE FEEL, how we talk about how we feel.. the list goes on, and on and on. I'm also looking at a book named Iron John. It speaks to some of this.. but I've only just begun.. so I'll let you know how that's going...

----I just watched the next episodes of the show... I'm in shock/my heads exploding/lots to process/father/son/trauma/...
will continue tomorrow

Good night

Celebrating the celebration

This clip is just amazing. But run, don't walk to see this film if you're interested in seeing the way my family operates... Now the films specific details (as in what happened to the characters) is not the same as my family, however, and more importantly is the similarities in HOW THE patriarchal, cold, family members are when they hear the truth about their beloved patriarch. This clip, while useful, does not do the actual film full justice.

I am very happy to have a clip from the film "The Celebration" to put on my blog. Thanks to 1TBM for finding it (it is up on her site). More to come.. my son is waking up...

OK- I"m back... a few days later...

This is how I'm feeling...

WORKING on my MEMORY

That's what I'm up to today.
I'll be recounting all of the routines and things my family likes - putting them on "paper" so I can start to stop throwing away information, and asking DD to do it/ remember it for me.
Wish me luck.

Judgement Day is coming... NO not the movie

THIS WAS TAKEN MARCH 11, 2008. LET'S BE CLEAR... HUMANS STILL HAVE NOT LEARNED AND NORTH AMERICA AND EUROPE WILL BE NEXT. ON THIS SCALE

"An indigenous woman holds her child while trying to resist the advance of Amazonas state policemen who were expelling the woman and some 200 other members of the Landless Movement from a privately-owned tract of land on the outskirts of Manaus, in the heart of the Brazilian Amazon March 11, 2008. The landless peasants tried in vain to resist the eviction with bows and arrows against police using tear gas and trained dogs, and were evicted from the land. (REUTERS/Luiz Vasconcelos-A Critica/AE)"


At some point things will get bad enough and we/you/I will have to actually fight for what we believe. We are not yet fighting. The fight has not yet begun for many of us north amerikkkan bloggers. I don't say I pray it never comes because then I will work to keep shit under wraps. If I pray the fire does not this time then I will work to maintain power relations that increasingly seek to control all we hold dear.

I know we will physically have to fight, get our smooth hands dirty, get our fine threads ripped, watch our homes burn and have to run out into the streets if not this year maybe in ten or twenty...

Those of us who choose to resist in that moment will knowingly choose to not hide the eyes of our children from battle but instead we will model to them what it means to overtly and fully resist. We will gift them with the knowledge of what it means to defy the powers that be with everylastblastedthing they/we have within.

"Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are those who want crops without plowing the ground; they want rain without thunder and lightning; they want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. power never concedes anything without a demand. it never did and it never will. find out just what people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or both."

- frederick douglass

***********************this post reproduced from 1TBM ************************

NOT retaining information or being consistent

"..But you always were picking me up a breakfast snack, what happened?"
asked 1TBM.
I had no answer for her.

Of course, this wasn't really just about a breakfast snack. My overall way of being - developing a pattern - a way of being so to speak - lasts for a bit, and then I fall off my wagon. But as I type this, I think it has something to do with thinking there will always be a safetey net. Someone I can always call on, rely on, fill n the gaps... I think it's about my parent stuff - my mommy stuff...

How does that relate to not bringing home a breakfast snack that I always bring home? I think on some level, (1TBM thought it'd be good if I asked myself) I want to sabotage my routines - or routines my partner depends on - so that my imaginary parents will pick up the slack.

Sounds crazy no?

What else - my little boy who likes to lead and act like a "big" adult, also wanted to seen saving money (and we all know how a $1.79 breakfast snack) kills the monthly budget. She needs to suffer.. SUFFER...
in fact we both need to SUFFER... that's why I didn't get any snack either...

I have to get my father out of my head. Fuck!
The struggle and the recognizing behaviour continues.

I played the part of my great aunt and then my father

Went to see my counselor. If you just started reading this blog... I see a counselor. Boy does it help with some of my process. So we've doing some physco dramatic therapy to really connect me to the memories in my past. First I start with my old aunt.

What did I connect with?

MY GREAT AUNT...

I think I'll write some point form notes as the memories fly on to the keyboard..
-her soap opera - on CBS, and global only
-my connection to these and the price is right
-I have a melodramatic sensibility that has really shaped me because I have chosen to allow those fuckin' stories to sink in my head
-she was very focused on males (extremely patriarchal)
-loved her boys (that would be myself and my brothers)
-I understood that I was to take care of her as she got weaker in her old age, not just because of love, but also because I was a man and needed to protect her from something.. (falling down the stairs?)
-NOt sure what this meant, when no one else in the house seem to worry about her...
-I was the one with the compassion...

-She also like to cook, and was very picky about what she ate
-I think I got some of this, but when I decide to - I just eat crap (McD's) when I'm ready.

AND NOW FATHER MONROVIA (that was today)
Here is a summary of how the conversation went today in my session-

Peter: (not really my counselor's name)
"Hello, my name is Peter, and I'll be interviewing you today"
Father Monrovia (played by me when I would have been 12 yrs old):
"Welcome. Is it cold enough for you"
P: "It is pretty cold, thanks for having em"
FM: So what would like to know
P: I was wondering were you're from?
FM: I'm from ***
(snippet)
P: Do you work?
FM: Yes. I'm a teacher for the **** Board
P: Wow - which school, sounds far..
FM: Well it might be .. but you have to do what you have to do you know...
..living is expensive .. you gotta have the paper to get things done, otherwise what are you gonna do - live on air.
P: So, you're in charge of the financial end of things in the house?
FM: Well no. That's more my wife. She spends.
P: How do you feel about that
FM: I think sometimes she's a bit crazy.. but you know wives... what can I say?
P: Do you like your home
FM: Yeah, but I'm not sure we can afford it...It was my wife's idea -
P: What do you mean?
FM: Well, she's a little nuts...

TO BE continued...
(all this to say, I have some of these traits now.. negative )

so what happened...

In my last post, I talked about how I was gonna do the p.d.theatre in my session. Well, we talked about incorporating it into further sessions so that's good. I have to say, I am so tired.. Barely getting "enough" sleep.

We continued talking about choices, and who is ultimately in charge of making the right choices.

Accepting the limitations of my folks is a big deal.
Accepting that they are human, mistake makers, triggered, scared, and of course.. will die - without everything that happened in my life being made "right" and "perfect" is really, really OK.

Can I accept that I feel alone, triggered, scared sometimes. Can I accept that I have traits from both of them? Can I accept that I am gift to the world and have wonderful energy to share? Can I love myself, knowing that I will protect myself, and love myself and be true to myself?

I think so.