THE VOICES IN MY HEADand how need to get them out

I was reading "I don't want to talk about it" (Terrence Real, Author) not long ago. Not long ago at all in fact, say just a couple of minutes. The chapter is called Two Inner Children. Even though the person Real describes doesn't look anything like me, I definitely had a a-ah moment. Even as I write this I'm starting to get tired.

But I'm going to fight this. My body starts to shut down when things start to get too emotional. Seriously, it does. It even happens with my counselor, in her office - I can't even believe it.

So I'm reading the book and he's talking about one of his clients, a mid-twenties man who says he likes to spend most of his time practicing "self immolation". And I thought to myself, what it this, and do I do that?

Then Terrence started to talk about what it meant, and then I knew I could relate. He writes:
"There was something wrong with me, something unlike other people - something frightening and bleak. I felt a perverse sense of blackness, (I'm not going into a race analysis here), sadness.."

I think I feel this all the time. No, I know I do. Last year I think I was doing pretty well, but then I just fell off the wagon. My men's group collapsed, and my community that was being built, shifted. No more did I have anyone to hide behind...

I've got to clean up now... I'll be back in a sec.

NBA player comes out

This is going to be very interesting. I immediately thought about how I understood myself when I was a child, how I understood what it means to be a man, a human, a living being, and the lines that were not to be crossed - for any reason. MORE TO COME
Please look at this, comments to follow.

I'M BACK

IT has been quite a bit since I wrote in this blog. Actually, I haven't really written anything, anywhere in a while. So I've got loads to share about my family, the movement that has happened there; my friendship developments, and OF COURSE the birth of my son. Hell, that deserves it's own blog for that matter. Speaking of which, have you seen my partner's blog?

So, where to begin. I suppose I should just start right? Ok...

WANNA BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF?

check out the latest (Feb 17, 2007) posting over at darkdaughta.blogspot.com

This is a repeat...OF OLDER CONVERSATION(?)

Work with depressed man and their partners has convinced me that men's much-vaunted fear of women and of intimacy is really not a fear of EITHER. What men fear is subjugation. In the one up/one down, better than/less then, hierarchical world of traditional masculinity, one is either in control or controlled. Vulnerability, openness, yielding to another's wishes - many of the requiste skills for healthly relationships - can be experineced by men as invitations to be ATTACKED. Men's fear of entrapment, of female engulfment, is not really about women at all. It is a transposition of a male model of interaction to the living roon and the bedroom. When men fear that their women will "engulf" them, they fear that their women will act like men.

insert more from 318-319.

WWhat Real is talking about here between Joe and Barbara is something that has happened with darkdaughta and I except for the fact that darkdaughta does talk about how she is feeling. She is actually quite good and clear at proposing courses of actions and talking the lead at neigotating a path.

But I think this is where I experience my partner and the construction of her "engulfing" me. And it has become even worse, as I now move to actively sabotage all that was created. My latest and most tidy tactic is to not listen to anything DD says - at all, ever. And I want her to stop pointing it out to me. I want her to stop.

Memories of the past few days/weeks:
1. Camp director came up to DD to find out why Stinks missed grad performance. I agreed to handle this b4 hand, but drop the ball and left DD a sitting duck
2. After a long day out, DD told me she was hungry (she's breast feeding) and told me EXACTLY what to make her. I came downstairs and 20 minutes later( it felt like 5 minutes) , still- had still not gotten thru making the first part of the dish.

Truly though, I don't express love the same way as DD. I'm willing to take what I can get from her. I enjoy everything she gives me. But I don't give back in the same way.

I won't even always think first when it comes to Stinks and the new baby. I see things and blank that I ever saw them. Or I should saw, choose to blank them.

So here I am on blogger, at like 5 in the morning on Sunday.

Need to cry now.

Slipping backwards

Well. I'm barely communicating with my DD. The birth of the new baby has been amazing. We plan on doing so much, loving and laughing and caring and touching with him. BUt b4 I get to all of that - I'm still back at battling my little boy. Why did I write battle? You know who I battle? I battle DD. I battle stinks. I've been battling a fake opponent and I've sabotaged my process repeatedly.

I refuse to do anything different.
I'm always resting on my superior stuff. I saw this family riding the streetcar and the guy was so asleep at the wheel. He wasn't communicating with his partner about where to bring their stroller, how to navigate around the crowd etc. When it was time to get off, he just walked away from her. Sounds familiar.

I'm not walking away from DD when we are on the tram, but I walk away in conversation all the time. All of the issues in Az. have made it possible for my issues to be obsecured.

But that is all changing now, with the shifting of the house set-up.

These are (un)edit comments written at 4.57am.

I think about where I was even a few months ago on this blog. What happened to my 'progress'. What happened to staying focused? What do I have now? I'm gonna go read.

HOW 'BOUT BEING HONESTcause I now what I do...

Well, I'm back. Well i never went anywhere really. DD, is on the verge of giving birth - I think she's about 3 weeks or less away - and would you believe I managed to block all over the place. But really in fact, I need to go back and read my other posts - posts that I should be learning from. Posts that without referencing, just seem to be performance.
Remember the post about sex, or how about listening, or how about ....
all have been well - dashed to one side - why? oh, I've told myself a version of ... work... no stability... stuff... blah.. blah.. it all amounts to blahhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhh
now - i'm going to re-read, and return. Then I'm going to do get back on the horse I said I wanted to ride (my life - to be clear) and ride.

SO I'M JUST SUPPOSE TO PUT UP WITH CRAPi'm looking for a friend but not at any cost

So, a few months back I met this friend, Morgan. I was really excited because it seemed like Morgan and I - who were completely different - were hitting it off.

He was going to 'popular' personal healing retreats on weekends and I was seeing my counsellor and continuing to build inside Azania. Building meaning - having difficult conversations about relationships etc. Anyway, there have been so major bumps in our road to building frienship, even though I have really tired to be honest and clear from the outset. We've talked about our differences: race, values; but also our commonalities - like both of us making foolish decisions when it comes to advice and suggestions from our partners.

I know for me, it goes beyond - well you're a woman so I'm not listening to you. But that certainly plays some part for me - cause I know that was what was modelled to me.

And I know, that Morgan is struggling with similiar issues and that there is something to gain by remaining friends. I'm just at a cross-roads because he did something yesterday that really pissed me off.

And as I write this, I'm struggling to not make excuses for his behaviour - oh, but, I've already been down this road and Morgan's weird choices - which aren't really weird - they are in fact: quite clear.

First, their was Morgan positioning me to his wife as jocking to watch his son, so my daughter and his son Billy could make it to their weekend activity. This was not the case, and it was that Morgan had other plans, didn't want to break them, and instead asked his partner if I could take their son, with Stinkapee to their weekend activities in their car. Then his partner came back talkin' 'bout: well, I don't know Seminal that well, I'll have to warm to him"

I told Morgan everyhing that happened in a nice chain of events so that he could get a clear picture of what had happened, so he knew why I was pissed off at him. I also told him that I was scared that he wouldn't want to be my friend if I told him the truth. A reality since many people don't like the truth. This is especially hard because I am looking for TRUE male friends who I can count on and trust.

Well, Morgan took full responsibility for creating an messed up dynamic he was creating between myself, his wife, and his son.

I thougth t myself... ok... this is interesting. Well, we are building friendship - that went over OK, let's keep going.

FASTforward>>>

It has been a couple of weeks since what occured above. It's now May 14, and Morgan and I haven't seen each other so much recently. Although, he did pick up a copy of I don't Want to talk about It and we are going to meet once a week to talk about it. (Excuse the wordage)

That's good. But now that it looks like were going to meet, and it is slowly looking like I'm going to have a reading and growth partner - something has to be taken away. What's the something you might wonder?
Well, on the weekend, Morgan promised to pick up Phoenix and Stinkapee (something that has been prearranged for awhile now) and take them, and his son, to their martial arts class. He told me that he'd by watching a soccer game, and then would pick them up. He never came. Moreover, he never mentioned it to Phoenix when he saw them again - TODAY - and did not bring it up when I spoke to him on the phone. I did. When I brought it up - he said to me: the game went into overtime and so, he stayed. HE also said that he and his son didn't end up going after all.

Interestingly, his behaviour as I type this reminds me a lot of myself and how I would deal with DD, early in our relationship. I was convinced I was doing a lot, and in fact, in some ways I was. But that didn't cancel out all the missed up stuff I did with negiotating it b4 hand.

How did I understand myself in building with DD? I'm not saying the relationship is the same as Morgan. But, all fustration with Morgan aside, what is all of this making me remember about how I treated DD earlier on, and even up to now.

Their are some links to be made. For example, I was pretty clear with Morgan about what I want out of a solid man friend. One of my criteria was making sure Stinkapee and the people in her life - are for her safety, growth and development. He damn well should have left that game to follow thru on the promise he made.

I would have done that for his son.

But, look around my blog. I should go back and read all the different places I renegated on my promises to DD...

More later... Stinkapee is coming in the house... and I gotta put her down - sorry for the typeOs

SCABOBLARS! i hit a crucial point today...

Today was an incredible day in many ways. It was a day that I will remember for along time. I told my counsellor about my grandmother's close friend, Sadie who chased me around in her house when I was visiting the West Indies. She would try and succeed in catching me and fonddling my testicles which she dubbed: my scaboblars.

At my counsellor, I told her. She was horrified. A little boy - age 8, being touched by an 70 year elder. Imagine, reverse the gender - and make it an 8 year girl, whose boundaries were being crossed my a 70 year man. Sounds horrible eh?

I started to describe what would happen and how I even found myself in the caribbean island. I was sent their because my parents, didn't know how to deal with their son being abused and terrorized by another son.

Little did they know, I was being fondled 'in the sun' in my safe space. Donna, my counsellor said to me - Seminalson, what are you thinking and feeling right now...

I started down an incredible path... join me...

THINGS ARE MOVINGfor the most part...

I don't think I've done nearly enough crying because I feel full of tension, fear, and general "oh no - someone's gonna find out" - find out what? Well, it's not about finding out something. It just childhood stuff.
I'm getting ready to go see my counsellor and I remembering yesterday when I had mini-melt down which looked like me starting to care less, and less about myself. It was me replaying home life in Monrovia, were no one talked (in fact no one does) and I was sometimes too uncomfortable/ scared to ... but when I look at some of the memories that have come up for me since I last posted - I'm not surprised.

First, I was sitting and talking with Pheonix in the kitchen. I was talking about my family, and remembered that my when I was growing up - on one of the trips to the Caribbean my folks would send me on to get me away from my brother (instead of dealing with him) that I had been abused. My grandmother's good friend, who was around 70-75 at the time used to chase me around (I was around 8 or 9, or 10 or 13) and grab my testicles. She would say: "i'm gonna get your scaboblars boy!, I'm gonna get them"

I actually laughed when I remembered. I thought, now that's silly, isn't it. But it's not silly. It's fucked up. I have to go now... many layers to this.. and I'm going to write more on how I'm dealing with this in really healthy ways...

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU GET A HEADACHE WHEN YOU SEE YOUR MOTHERinvite her over again of course...

You know, some would say that i'm lucky. I at least have the pleasure of knowing that my parents didn't actually know what they were doing when they raised me. Didn't have a clue, emotionally - of how to take care of children.

Pleasure, I mean, in that my mother (Bel) admits this freely now - a switch from the the usually - I was just doing the best that I could..." OR the classic - well you have kids, lets see how they turn out. The latter is really is hard to hear - it shuts down all conversation, leaves now space for anything.

Ok, so moving past that now, Bel still does cause me headache. My head burst with a thrubbing pain on the left side when she and her sister came over to the house the other day. Thankfully, I had spoken with my partner days b4, and she advised me to only to have Bel and her sister. Not, Grave (my father) too. As I tell my stinkapee many times... he's sleeping.

MY BEHAVIOURS ARE ALL FROM THEM, not new info, BUT I KEEP DOING IT... Spin cycle - wash... soap... spin.. spin...

Ok, I'm gonna talk about home now...

re/PARENTING feild trip

OKAY, well this wasn't a re-parenting field trip on purpose; I just went to my family home, Monrovia Place to borrow my folks car. I slept there because my I was going to drop the patriarch of the home to his place of work in the morning and then be off with the vehicle.

But being there is such an education for me because I observe (and shock/traumatize myself) when I watch the interactions between my two parents. I woke up hearing my father singing mickey mouse: m-i-c-k-e-y - and it dawned on me that he's not crazy - in that mainstream sense of the word - ha. ha. ha - but more like horribly triggered around his own childhood.

He was in the bathroom/ shower and sang the song over, and over , over again for about 20 minutes. I started to remember when one of my brothers attack me, and how he never got involved. IN fact, one time, he started bursting into tears at the top of stairs - as if he (my dad) was a little boy - the one being attacked.

... and

Also while I was in the house - I was telling my mother how much time and effort and patience it has taken to make sure Tigana is safe and secure, and for the house to run well - smooth and efficient - with everyones feelings being heard. Sometimes I have feelings of wanting to link our experiences - like I want to erase stuff that has happened in the past. It's like I'm set to denial when I'm ready. SO, i asked her: how did you run a home, how did you do it.

Her reply: I didn't.

Balancing Poly/ Life and Feelings

SO, I feel VERY SAD that the state has been invited into our home. I really feel sad. I feel like we really struggle to be the best caregivers possible, sitting with and dealing with our emotional selves. Yes we struggle with dd, we go to counsellors and really dealing with our stuff. We try. We attempt to be proactive. Bonga, encouraged by dd to see a counselor, gave her therapist some back story, history about her past childhood, and how this weaves into her present. For example, she told us she told her counsellor that in talking about her past with her bio-parents, and their emotional neglect of her, she was concerned and watching to make sure that this would not happen with Stinkapee. Bonga was being proactive and I support her in doing this. Her counsellor took this information and wrongly assumed that understood that Stinkapee was in danger from Bonga - which she is not - and filed an report with an arm of the state.

I am angry at Bonga's counsellor for not informing Bonga of her the client/practioner relationship; and her counsellor's decision to keep secret files on her and not voice her concerns - I am disheartened in another way. That is, I'm feeling sad around the structure that exists in our community right now to deal with this or any other crisis.

Azania is to be a strong group of adults caring for a child, caring for our lives as we attempt to build something better and stronger, and more solid than what we had when we were growing up.

And as I know we must move thru this - and we will - (as I say this, Phx just told me she going to clean the bathroom2) I'm forced to think about what I should have been up to by this point in Azania. The choices that I made that have led not being prepared.

It has been totally unexceptable. And I mean this, because dd literally shared ALL of her tools, her experiences, all wrapped in emotional support to build in this community and I was to (and still am) wrapped up in ego and self importance to move consistently thru it.

I can hear it now... because I hear it all the time... you're being too hard on yourself S2. You're doing the best that you can, and all you can do at this point is breath. No, I can do a hell of a lot more than that.

First, I can post this, so someone out there reading can see / learn from my experience. Also, too me, what exists right now in Azania, I need to understand does not mean - ok - we're in a crisis and so, all bets are off, and so - I need to try and go into nuclear hetero mode and start interacting with dd like everything I know about her is theory and pretend. Now would not be the time to give up on my agreements. Now would not be the time to try and forget about our poly relationship and for me to re-treat into monogamy.

Hell, you might say: I WOULD, sounds great - makes sense to me - after all, look at what Bonga has modelled to everyone in the community. What options do I have left? And when I say modelled to everyone in community, I'm talking about her having known dd the longest and chosen to block relationship building amongst the members unless she was central.

But it isn't great, it's messed up.

Last night, when I got back to the house from a parenting group with Bonga, I was feeling pretty low because of what had happened during the day with the state. I got home, and immediately wanted to be away from Bonga - who was doing her regular 'i'm falling asleep, i'm tired, i haven't eaten dinner' routine and being generally uncommunicative in the taxi. I called her out on this, but she does it so often, to her it's like putting butter on bread. She likes being called on it.

This stuff she does is very manipulative. But at this point it's outrageous. We are trying to get this home running well, Stinkapee safe and educated; food supply maintained; Phx's new space moved in from another house; house maintenance in order; ARRIVAL OF THE NEW BABY in the next few weeks; own our stuff around sucking dd emotionally and not being accountable - note to Bonga - stop modelling messed up behaviours to Phx and me. Stop it.

Anyway, at the house that night, I put Stinkapee down for the night, and saw Phx. Her and Bonga were having some dynamic which I really needed to be away from - but wasn't ready to speak to fully to. Not out of respect for their stuff. No. it was more like - I wasn't ready to ask them for what I needed for my support (given what happened today) in my moment and of course, I can always default to "where's dd??" she's in the house no? I'll find her ...

Found her: she was in comfy cozy - our living room space. It was wonderful to see dd. It's always wonderful to see dd. But in our interaction, she made a valid point, she wanted to know what I wanted from her - she had been home watching television for a couple of hours now, and (as I know, and she has stated many times) if she actually wants something - she'll SAY so.

And she was right. She's not one of those - "oh, you're being silent so I need to do something to make you better." The truth was, I needed to do something to move thru what I was feeling.
And so, I kissed dd and went back upstairs and relayed the brief interaction I had with dd to Bonga and Phx.

I told them I was should have asked for what I needed earlier in the evening. Phx was like - remember I asked you when you came in S2 - how are you feeling? She did. I blanked it - I was clear in my head when I arrived in the house: where's dd?

Anyway, Phx and Bonga asked what I'd like: I told them, I wanted to have a shower, smoke a little bit of a cigarette and then cry. I said I wanted one or both of them to be with me during my crying.

They agreed.

WATCH THIS SPACE FOR INTIMACY/ THOUGHTS INSPIRED BY READINGS FROM DARKDAUGHA AND TERRENCE REAL

I WOKE UP RIGHT AWAY...

LAST night I was dreaming about stinkapee and myself running through the YMCA. I trying to get stinkapee's attention but she had other things on her mind.

Suddenly, a woman with a head wrap came along and started to tell me me why it was so important for stinkapee to listen. What will happen when she's older and she doesn't know any better? - this head wrapped woman said.

Then, as I looked closer at her face, I realized that the woman wasn't a stranger at all. It was my great aunt, who died about 8 years ago. I screamed in horror: in pain because I missed her; in fear because a piece of her was such a horrible person; I was so jolted... I woke myself up ... a tear on my cheek.

I CAN'T RUN FROM MY BRAIN After years of denial/struggle resulting in a stalled sex life .. I re/embark on a crucial journey

The ironic and sad part of this next post is that sex has been abundant in the house, and in my relationship with darkdaughta - I have had lots of opportunities (and actually continue to) have lots of responsible sex in a polyamorous context. The choices that I have made within that make no sense, unless I am trying to live out what I think I deserve: a sexless existence. And of course, this is not what I want... and this is not what my life in Azania has been... quite the opposite in fact.

SO, this has taken a bit of time for me to write. Even longer to publish. 3 weeks I think.. IT has taken me even longer to actual, well.. do. When I first came into relationship with darkdaughta, an anti-oppression, anti-authoritarian, sex positive, pro-choice, Black conscious, queer, feminist - I must have thought, ok, well - you have your way of thinking - and I haven't given much thought to my way of thinking or my place in the world, less being a straight Black man. I didn't really think about my class background or my relationship to sex..

Sure I had sex, responsibly and ethically - but did I actually understand sex in all of it's complexities .. in a word? No.

Nor did I feel I needed to. I was Seminalson. I have learned everything there is to know about everything, and what was darkdaughta going to teach me? ...right... lol...

I also understood her as a threat. A threat to my familiar, limited, conservative life I like to hold on to. I still struggle with how much she loves me... is she actually laughing at me?

No of course not.

Check out

one of my other posts

to see how I express my upset sometimes in our relationship.

I grew up in a very sex negative house. My mother, confirms this. I thought it was normal for no one to ever speak about sex in my household growing up. As a matter of fact, I can honestly say that not until my early twenties did I even hear the world orgasm come out of my father's mouth - and it wasn't orgasm - he said: orgasmoo.

Actually, that's pretty telling isn't it.

He was definitely not comfortable with the word at all in front of me. I have never really thought about it b4. No, that's not true, either.

I have journal entries dating back 3 years that went into my parents messed up stuff - around sexuality.
I have journal entries about me at age 11 having kissed another boy, also 11. The silence that came from my parents, the (when looking back now) odd questions that came out of that. As darkdaughta has pointed out many times and the facilitator in my men's group has also said: they made an exploration with another boy some kind of horrible event, one in which I should sweeped under the rug and never talked about ever again, not even for any reason. At this crucial age - I felt completly lost, and it was left to me to find my own answers - to parent myself.

Compounding this was another troubling incident. My older brother found out about this whole exploration I had. You know, he was already making my young life misreable, but from that day forward - he made it his mission to terrorize and humiliate me.

I wonder what life would have been like if I had been allowed to not feel shame around this natural exploration and just been allowed to continue to live a normally ... these years of shame definitely would / have affect dealing with stinkapee and the baby that's coming. This is some of the work I agreed to tackle in being in relationship with darkdaughta. I said I understood that she was not a straight lady: trained and programmed to settle for whatever I had to offer in terms of relationship. How was she suppose to build with any man - without that man doing some personal work? And as I type this - she is 100 percent right. But don't be fooled... I spend much of my time (for the past 5 years) in a cocky, arrogant state - where nothing she is saying is going into my brain. I have to be right, right, right... It is patriarchal, it's brutish.. and it engrained in my head. How arrogant am I to think that accepting/ embracing patriarchy was going to be ok with darkdaughta adn inside Azania.

I know where much of this comes from - and we've talked about it. But it this talking about it - and my non-action that is the energy drain. It drains and drains and drains. It has been a soul killer for darkdaugtha to struggle on a daily basis with me about this stuff. But this is me writing about it now.

But I feel like I've been stuck in a loop, a loop where darkdaughta suggests I look at material that could help provide a frame of how I'm feeling - I agree - but I get scared. It needs to happen in my timeline, and at the same time I know that my timeline includes the very real lives of Stinkapee and the next baby - to safe guard their childhood and place in the world as little people, so that they can grow safely into mature, sexually healthy adults.

My timeline also includes my very real life and the commitments I made in being in relationship with darkdaugtha.

At the beginning of this, I talked about who darkdaughta is. I have chosen to not sit with the choices she has made - in relation to partnering with a straight, middle/class, sexuallly conservative (actually repressed/oppressed) individual.

I hold my head in the emotional weight of what I've written here. Darkdaughta made a choice, a choice that also had to do with love, trust and alliance building. I made a choice. To love responsibly and ethically and to welcome challege. This could not be more clear now, as other folks in our intentional community have made very clear choices to reneg on their commitments.

But my oath, came before Azania, and I actually started doing the work even b4 Azania was formed. I felt alone during this early stage. Darkdaughta would say to me, suggest to me the tools to build up supports to deal with some of this stuff. But, in truth, I did not want to deal with it. I think I wanted it because the confusion and pain were familiar. I am still like this, even though I am trying to move from here.

Even with a wealth of conversation; books and on-line access - I refused to have sex with darkdaughta in the beginning of her pregnancy with Stinkapee (this over 4 years ago). As I write this, I wonder if this was about the resent I felt with her for being pregnant. I think I was really confused and overwhelemd, and performing the 'everything's fine' line - but really just feeling confused. It wasn't simple resent, there was more. I didn't think of myself as as worthy of having a secure and healthy life, including a sexual partner.

In fact, I spent 9 years in partnership with a woman who I was attracted to (throughout highschool and part of secondary school) but we would never engage in anything sexual

I understood myself as not worthy enough. And I definitely had skin colour internalized racism in me - which said: she's South asian, 'pretty', (or what I understood as 'pretty' in a society that has stratified people of the world via their nose shape, skin shade, etc) She paid attention to me, but honestly I thought it was because I was useful in some way. And I was, I kept other boys, and men away and this she wanted. I was good enough to be used as a tool.

This reminds me of my relationship with Bongafish, and how complex and layered our relationship is and was. Part of my relationship with Bongafish was her using me to mask the fact that she was queer. With me by her side, she was assured safe passage thru Black middle class spaces.

So, back to the present. Darkdaughta and I are polyamorous. If I so chose, and it is properly negoitated I can sleep with anyone I wish and have. No matter, because I choose in my head that women aren't attracted to me; they see something off about me. They'll laugh at me, and run way. I'll be made fun of. As I write this, I am saying to myself: that won't happen. That's a script in your head.

I am partnered to the most dynamic, experimental, beautiful, ethical, courageous, woman I have met - but I don't really value this. IT just sounds good. She wanted to teach me things. I've been so wounded and bruised growing up, I just wanted to be the leader, the knower of all things sexual. After all, it is not like there is more to know after you're sixteen right? WRONG.

By refusing to look at my past, ignoring her requests, and totally and completely ignoring my own soul which is trying to heal - I have rejected what I claim to want - a healthy physical relationship with darkdaughta. Why would she want to sleep with a partner who reneged on his agreements - while at the same time reserving the right to blame her for all of this. And in fact, whan I blame darkdaugtha for all my problems - it fits because thenI can say - ah ya.. you're not attracted to me! You won't touch me! And I hate you for not just going along with whatever I want.
Now those are familiar voices. I need them to go.

And they are with the help of the supports I am finally putting into place.
This post to be expanded, so check back when you can.

HAVING FEELINGS FOR PHOENIXFISH...

I told Phoenixfish that I would like to build with her, within the context of Azania - that I care for her, love her...

It felt scary talking to her about my dreams for Azania given that I experienced her to want to destroy it, dismantle it, step on it and harm it. But, I actually felt good sharing space with her. We talked about our attractions, and what it would mean to actually forge ahead. I think we're doing well, I think we're moving in a direction I never thought was possible. Much more to coming ...

Crying, Yelling, Screaming, Stomping ... being touched and held ... by men ... WHAT??!

A snipett from my men's emotional group... during this session, this was the first time I actually totally vulnerable with men in a safe environment. Ever. Blows my mind!
I CAN STILL SEE Don's face, way too close to mine with one hand supporting my back, one hand on my heart. I lock eyes with him, and he says to me: "what do you feel now? what do you want to do?" eyes staring right at me. I can feel his care for me like the strong breeze swirling around me. "I want to run... I want to get the f#ck outta here... so I'm going to stay" "Good" says Paul, the lead facilitator - eyes and emotions matching the intensity of Don.

I stay.

Water runs down my face and...

WATCH THAT TONE! you're just too loud darkdaughta...

THIS YEAR darkdaughta and I will celebrate 6 years of knowing each other. And through all of this time, we have laughed, cried, explored and struggled. And thru all of this time, a consistant theme has been running as I watch and support her move thru the world, head held up, speaking from her toes, and being vocal with surity and confidence. That theme is fear. How can she possibly be so well spoken and confident people wonder. Must destroy, Must destroy, Must destroy.. the actions that soon follow. By the way: this is b4 they know her politic etc.

People fear her. Community members fear her.
And so, most people don't want to feel fear in relation to her - and so a process called elimination begins. I have been watching this. I have actively blocked against it/ and supported darkdaughta in blocking non-allies. But it's a lot.

In fact, (as I leave for work now) I think about how my sheilds are (almost slways up) when we meet and engage with anyone new. Many times I support darkdaughta in not interactng at all - cause sense she is going to speak the truth - when it is necessary... well... lets just say - the truth is not welcome in many cases in the real world.

More to come...

I LIKE MY COUNSELLOR yes... i do.

YESTERDAY I WENT TO MY MEN'S EMOTIONAL group and today I saw another great ally: my counsellor. She is a fantastic individual who not only listens but also feels when I talk to her. And I can see her feeling. And she encourages me to feel. She is honest in her delivery, in her conversation, and she is quite straight forward. I like that. And I like her. I mentioned my men's emotional group here because there is a piece of me that thinks I am being self indulgent in doing all of this personal work. Am I really taking all this time to do this? Who the hell am I to do this? And how in the christ can I afford it.. cause it sure as hell ain't free... For those of you wondering: some people prioritize smokes, alcohol, drugs, clubbing, really fancy shoes, expensive cars etc, in their lives. And that's their choice. My priority is my personal healing work. I figure, whatever else will come.

So, today, I saw my counsellor and we talked about a number of things. I told her about seeing my brother, todeboy, when I was over at my folks on Sunday. Moving thru the fear and upset I have in relation to my memories with todeboy, I simply came right up to him and said hi. He seemed surprised, even a little off kilter. And so, he fired: so, you know SO&SO? I don't know who you're talking about" I quipped.

"Sure, you know, his daughter goes to the same daycare as stinkapee" he probed.
Now, I know the person he is talking about is not a friend, and he is only bringing this up to make me uncomfortable. The person he is talking about is a coward who tired to get information from about our family (probably to gossip) from Bongafish. It was a day when she was at the school without myself, or darkdaughta or any other community member. He intentionally went to her for information - he had never once approached me about my brother. - but he did ask about him through Bongafish.

Now, months later... stinkapee doesn't attend the school (not daycare) he's referring too, but I wasn't about to engage in conversation about that. When Toteboy he informed me that I knew this person, because the person also knew another mutual acquaintance - Wil - I redirected the conversation by asking him about Wil, a person I know Todeboy he doesn't like or understand.

More later...