A NEW FRIEND DID A LITTLE SHAFTING

I had another session with my counselor. We did more of the psycho dramatic sessions- this time I played my mother. I had been holding off on doing her - but some really important truths came out it. He (my counselor) made an obversation about my childhood house. Remember, he's asked me to perform each member of my family house. We done my great aunt, my father and then over the past few weeks - we/I've been dealing with the death of my father-in-law.
Jim (not my counselor's name) after now "seeing" all the adults that we the house was set up like when you came home, everyone entered their own silos. I have a lot more to write about this. And I will - but right now.. to my friend.

I always have had a problem with that word - but for a brief time I think I forgot about the dynamics that can exist between people when nothing is acknowledged. Really, I think I loved so much to spend time with this person - he seemed to match me creatively, and in terms of passion and vigor - that I forgot one crucial and totally PARAMOUNT element to our interaction.

He is primarily a work contact. And I only have myself to blame .. so much stuff rapped up in being near this person. He's charming, humble, good looking, talented, and funny. I like being around him - I don't feel like I need to be the one carrying the interaction. He's also bigger than I am - and since I had abusive brothers, neglectful parents - my little boy inside - saw him as a great protector.

Fuck.
Christ.
Shit.
God damn it..

I really liked him.
I felt good hanging out with him. Why did he have to go and be a fuck head?

More to come.
Boy, it feels good to put this down on paper and look it. I'm starting to look at the ways I engage with various people , and take them for granted.

More later.. - I pulled an all nighter and then dropped the kid at school.

Back from my counseling session...

I feel very raw today. I have never been rocked to my core.. of allowed myself to be rocked like I was last night during in treatment. The whole series (beyond the hype) is amazing. I feel amazing having this show and the character of Alex to connect with -- not in a lovely dovey way - just a simple connection.

And then they dropped a stone on my head. They killed him. I told my counselor that is simply not possible for an African american to exist past the specific stereotypes which have been allowed to flourish.

Questioning? Feeling? Asking? Demanding? NO NO NO
Lots of tears today in my counselors office.
Godd tears.
Healthly tears. Tears in the presence of anoth0er man. I felt ok. I felt safe.. not my usual experience with men. ANOTHER NONONO

Can we have more?
can't we have more than tracy Moore , Martin Laurence, and Eddie Murphy?

I am a complex being, hungry, thirdsty, for a new kind of brotha, a new kind of man.. no not the Obama "proper Blackman" kind of man.. but a sentient being who lives fully, thinks fully, loves fully.. happily, proudly.

Lots more to come

Alex

'I don't want to talk about it" is the title of the book I've been reading for over a year now.. off and on.. for me it is emotionally draining and exciting all at once. Not like any other book I've put my hands on...
... It is so amazing.. it should be required reading for all men today. Period.
No really it should.

I picked it up again off the bookshelf just to re-connect to Real's (the author) words and was again reminded of the torment so many men live under and don't even know it - in terms of so many decisions.. daily decisions they make - in an effort to live up to the "masculinity" standards.

I certainly have a past of trying to live up to those standards.

Earlier this year, I started watching episodes of the HBO series "In Treatment". Over the past couple of weeks, Darkdaughta and I started to watch the show in a batch. I think we've watched about 30-35 of the episodes .. and one of the characters that really stands out to me is 'Alex' portrayed by Blair Underwood.

I don't want to give away too much if you haven't seen the show... but it is truly amazing to watch this actor play this specific role. It (the role) is UNLIKE any African-American character I've seen in on network or cable television in recent memory.. forget that.. in all of my memory.

And take note: FYI - I by no means only watch Black american characters on the tube - quite the opposite in fact... because sooo many of the Black characters on TV are written as flat as a Denny's flap jack - I have now come to expect Black characters to be under-developed, under-written, and just generally lacking.

It is actually this kind of stereotype that I battle with on this site, and in the real world... No worries though.. life continues... I continue.. - back to the show...

As soon as I was introduced to the character - pieces of him I 'knew', other pieces I didn't want to know, ... but I did. Alex is a classic case of someone who is so-hyper masculine - you know that a little boy is hiding under there.. scared and alone.

I think a lot of men are in Alex's shoes. I'm not saying we are exactly like this character however, pieces of us are there. How could would not be? We (men) have not - in any real fundamental way really looked at how we have been formed - the choices we have made in regards to so many of out life decisions that supposedly make us 'real' men.

The decisions are all made for us: who we'll love, who we'll love, who'll fuck, who'll we'll hate, what we wear, how we walk, how we talk, how we eat, how we listen, HOW WE FEEL, how we talk about how we feel.. the list goes on, and on and on. I'm also looking at a book named Iron John. It speaks to some of this.. but I've only just begun.. so I'll let you know how that's going...

----I just watched the next episodes of the show... I'm in shock/my heads exploding/lots to process/father/son/trauma/...
will continue tomorrow

Good night

Celebrating the celebration

This clip is just amazing. But run, don't walk to see this film if you're interested in seeing the way my family operates... Now the films specific details (as in what happened to the characters) is not the same as my family, however, and more importantly is the similarities in HOW THE patriarchal, cold, family members are when they hear the truth about their beloved patriarch. This clip, while useful, does not do the actual film full justice.

I am very happy to have a clip from the film "The Celebration" to put on my blog. Thanks to 1TBM for finding it (it is up on her site). More to come.. my son is waking up...

OK- I"m back... a few days later...

This is how I'm feeling...

WORKING on my MEMORY

That's what I'm up to today.
I'll be recounting all of the routines and things my family likes - putting them on "paper" so I can start to stop throwing away information, and asking DD to do it/ remember it for me.
Wish me luck.

Judgement Day is coming... NO not the movie

THIS WAS TAKEN MARCH 11, 2008. LET'S BE CLEAR... HUMANS STILL HAVE NOT LEARNED AND NORTH AMERICA AND EUROPE WILL BE NEXT. ON THIS SCALE

"An indigenous woman holds her child while trying to resist the advance of Amazonas state policemen who were expelling the woman and some 200 other members of the Landless Movement from a privately-owned tract of land on the outskirts of Manaus, in the heart of the Brazilian Amazon March 11, 2008. The landless peasants tried in vain to resist the eviction with bows and arrows against police using tear gas and trained dogs, and were evicted from the land. (REUTERS/Luiz Vasconcelos-A Critica/AE)"


At some point things will get bad enough and we/you/I will have to actually fight for what we believe. We are not yet fighting. The fight has not yet begun for many of us north amerikkkan bloggers. I don't say I pray it never comes because then I will work to keep shit under wraps. If I pray the fire does not this time then I will work to maintain power relations that increasingly seek to control all we hold dear.

I know we will physically have to fight, get our smooth hands dirty, get our fine threads ripped, watch our homes burn and have to run out into the streets if not this year maybe in ten or twenty...

Those of us who choose to resist in that moment will knowingly choose to not hide the eyes of our children from battle but instead we will model to them what it means to overtly and fully resist. We will gift them with the knowledge of what it means to defy the powers that be with everylastblastedthing they/we have within.

"Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are those who want crops without plowing the ground; they want rain without thunder and lightning; they want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. power never concedes anything without a demand. it never did and it never will. find out just what people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or both."

- frederick douglass

***********************this post reproduced from 1TBM ************************

NOT retaining information or being consistent

"..But you always were picking me up a breakfast snack, what happened?"
asked 1TBM.
I had no answer for her.

Of course, this wasn't really just about a breakfast snack. My overall way of being - developing a pattern - a way of being so to speak - lasts for a bit, and then I fall off my wagon. But as I type this, I think it has something to do with thinking there will always be a safetey net. Someone I can always call on, rely on, fill n the gaps... I think it's about my parent stuff - my mommy stuff...

How does that relate to not bringing home a breakfast snack that I always bring home? I think on some level, (1TBM thought it'd be good if I asked myself) I want to sabotage my routines - or routines my partner depends on - so that my imaginary parents will pick up the slack.

Sounds crazy no?

What else - my little boy who likes to lead and act like a "big" adult, also wanted to seen saving money (and we all know how a $1.79 breakfast snack) kills the monthly budget. She needs to suffer.. SUFFER...
in fact we both need to SUFFER... that's why I didn't get any snack either...

I have to get my father out of my head. Fuck!
The struggle and the recognizing behaviour continues.

I played the part of my great aunt and then my father

Went to see my counselor. If you just started reading this blog... I see a counselor. Boy does it help with some of my process. So we've doing some physco dramatic therapy to really connect me to the memories in my past. First I start with my old aunt.

What did I connect with?

MY GREAT AUNT...

I think I'll write some point form notes as the memories fly on to the keyboard..
-her soap opera - on CBS, and global only
-my connection to these and the price is right
-I have a melodramatic sensibility that has really shaped me because I have chosen to allow those fuckin' stories to sink in my head
-she was very focused on males (extremely patriarchal)
-loved her boys (that would be myself and my brothers)
-I understood that I was to take care of her as she got weaker in her old age, not just because of love, but also because I was a man and needed to protect her from something.. (falling down the stairs?)
-NOt sure what this meant, when no one else in the house seem to worry about her...
-I was the one with the compassion...

-She also like to cook, and was very picky about what she ate
-I think I got some of this, but when I decide to - I just eat crap (McD's) when I'm ready.

AND NOW FATHER MONROVIA (that was today)
Here is a summary of how the conversation went today in my session-

Peter: (not really my counselor's name)
"Hello, my name is Peter, and I'll be interviewing you today"
Father Monrovia (played by me when I would have been 12 yrs old):
"Welcome. Is it cold enough for you"
P: "It is pretty cold, thanks for having em"
FM: So what would like to know
P: I was wondering were you're from?
FM: I'm from ***
(snippet)
P: Do you work?
FM: Yes. I'm a teacher for the **** Board
P: Wow - which school, sounds far..
FM: Well it might be .. but you have to do what you have to do you know...
..living is expensive .. you gotta have the paper to get things done, otherwise what are you gonna do - live on air.
P: So, you're in charge of the financial end of things in the house?
FM: Well no. That's more my wife. She spends.
P: How do you feel about that
FM: I think sometimes she's a bit crazy.. but you know wives... what can I say?
P: Do you like your home
FM: Yeah, but I'm not sure we can afford it...It was my wife's idea -
P: What do you mean?
FM: Well, she's a little nuts...

TO BE continued...
(all this to say, I have some of these traits now.. negative )

so what happened...

In my last post, I talked about how I was gonna do the p.d.theatre in my session. Well, we talked about incorporating it into further sessions so that's good. I have to say, I am so tired.. Barely getting "enough" sleep.

We continued talking about choices, and who is ultimately in charge of making the right choices.

Accepting the limitations of my folks is a big deal.
Accepting that they are human, mistake makers, triggered, scared, and of course.. will die - without everything that happened in my life being made "right" and "perfect" is really, really OK.

Can I accept that I feel alone, triggered, scared sometimes. Can I accept that I have traits from both of them? Can I accept that I am gift to the world and have wonderful energy to share? Can I love myself, knowing that I will protect myself, and love myself and be true to myself?

I think so.

Blaming my folks (and stopping there) only leads to me sitting on my ass. Re-parenting continues...

Today, I'm seeing my counselor.

Visiting my counselor this week, I kept running into the same realization I've known
for some time now, but really just ignored. At the end of the day: I have to make right decisions - and live by them - no matter how much my father or my mother played a part in fucking me up. If I could just blame them, then they'd just blame their parents and so on, and so on, and it would never end.

No one would ever .. well.. grow.

I think sometimes, that's what I choose to do.
Not grow. Dig my heals in and just let bad choices happen - just because, I can. I can just be. And my little boy feels good about that because that is what he knows.

I been having some really wicked non-conversations with 1TBM about the way I do *interactions* in the house. It's like I can't even hear her.

I refuse.

And it goes past her to other people as well - I simply stop listening to people after awhile. After they get started talking, I'm with them... but something clicks off in my head/brain and I end up missing stuff.

It's scary now, as I type it.

But make no mistake: there is a difference between tuning out, and having a really bad attitude much of the time and being as ass when people who care about you ask you about it because it's spilling on to them in unhealthy ways.

----------------

All that to say, I've been in a rut for sometime now. I'm gonna propose to my counselor that we do some psychodramatic work - so I can talk to my folks. It's gonna be hard - but I have a lot of anger towards my parents and I know that I need to release it, continually.

But down to the nuts and bolts of my this work. What am I so upset about? Being ignored and no one caring that I was being beaten up; not listening to me when I cried out for help; for telling me about fucking Hawaii and to encourage me to deny my feelings; -- Yikes...

I'm doing this work with him (yes, he's a male counselor - very good for me, considering where I'm at in regards to men... it's letting me slow and surely re-build my trust in men)cause it will be safe and at the end of day I still need support for someone who is only interested in supporting me.

I'll write and let you all know what happens. Tomorrow I'm starting two new projects, one of which takes me to my folks house to get to know them like I never have before.

I'm not a ROCKSTAR...

I'm going shopping this week. Since my son is going to be wearing so much awesome colour - like PINK, and PURPLE... I definitely need to have more of it in my wardrobe.

I'm think I'm getting more comfortable dressing outside the box over time. Mostly, my issue has been the demons in my past which now run rough shot over my adult brain. Or, I should say: I make the choice to allow it to run rough-shod over my brain.

So? what has made dressing 'different' easier?

I think people seeing me out and about... and different comments people have made...
one time I was wearing a long skirt, futuristic shiny material, olive green.. and this guy I've seen in the neighbourhood said to me "only you could pull that off S2"..

Another guy stopped me and said: "Dude, you totally remind me of (a certain African American rockstar, currently touring)"
and I my little teenager was like: wow, cool.

I think I'm giving off *cool* energy and people like it.

And then another piece of me was like: how sad.. looking for external validation from others? But I won't beat myself up about that to much... we live in a external validation world. Pure and simple.

And I also thought.. the only way I can be accepted in wearing the clothing chooses I do.. and the chooses I'm gonna make in the future is if people think I'm some kind of rockstar, actor guy... no other type of ordinary man would do it...

[interestingly, I think I'd like to be a rockstar and an actor too...]

But I can't help but notice that I just can't be a guy trying to wear something a little different... just for the sake of exploration - without anything other reason..

Plain and simple...

POLY: I am!

Hey everyone! Had my morning cup of starbucks and 1TBM and myself were sitting around the computer when she said: "Hey! Let's do this test!"

So, in between our two year old ripping apart the livingroom and our six year old ripping apart her bedroom (good things, they're safe and happy) I did the test. Here are the results.

It really got me thinking about how I understand my relationship to other people and myself. ummm...during the test I found myself frustrated at mainstream society's idea of what constitutes "real" relationships. Last night 1TBM and myself decided to go downtown to a pub and I saw men on the street for her to cruise and thought about how happy it made her and how happy I was knowing that she was happy with the possibility and the conversation.

Where I'm at now definitely comes out of me desperately trying to wedge our relationship into monogamy. I think that I felt two things (well, more than two but I can identify two now) ummm...monogamous values poured into my brain from my parents and two, monogamous peer pressure bashed over my head by society.

But fuck all that.
As I move through the world with my vivacious self and observe all of the married couples that I'm connecting with there's an underlying sadness of being forced into one and only one kind of relationship with one and only one person, that they all walk with that that I don't want.

I know people might say, "This person is all I need" but has anyone ever said "WHY does this person have to be the only person?" Is something going to happen if another way of having a relationship is considered and done and acted out?

I want to live the way I want to live.
I want to love the way I want to love.
I want to fuck the way I want to fuck.
And I want everyone around me in my family to know choice, to understand options and to make decisions based on how they actually feel, not on whether the peer group (mainstream society) tells them it's okay.

Your result for The Poly Acceptance Test...

Flaming Polymore

You're 89% tolerant, 85% polyamorist, 85% polyfidelitist, and 63% swinger.

You're extremely polyamorous. Monogamy would be one of the worst ills anyone could inflict on you. Love, sexuality, and holistic child-rearing are calls for freedom. Someone saying "I own you" or "you can't love anyone else" would be the worst kind of confinement and objectification. You'd want love governed only by mutual consent of responsible adults.

Take The Poly Acceptance Test at HelloQuizzy

Explaining the SONYwalkman

HANGING with the kids is an adventure I'm lucky to have - and that I have the time to actually watch them grow up is something that I can barely I like taking one to school, and rolling in the park with the other, or making way too much noise in the library. WE go to cafes, go shopping, and have really funny conversations together. One time, my (almost) 7 year old asked me what a "sony walkman" was on a packed subway train. I had to explain, and it was really funny to say "well, it was a plastic box which held these things called cassettes".. the look on her face was priceless - I was trying not to laugh, but everyone on the subway was laughing too. Kids are sooo cool. At least mine are.

SHOPPING FOR different LOOKS

It's a strange adventure I'm on right now, I'm trying to explore my creative/arts/masculinity critique/ through fashion and design. I simply don't know what to make of this new interest, except to jump on in. I thank 1TBM for supporting me to explore.

Do I currently have some limits.. well, only the ones I put on myself. I went looking online to see what was happening in Europe in terms of style and all I can say is: what the fuck... we are totally repressed and closed minded here!! (men).

I know, there's more to the analysis than that.. it's just that - there are so many styles that I'm just not suppose to wear - simply because I'm a man... and also to some degree because I'm a Black man.

"homophobia, not looking manly, drawing too much attention to yourself" - one, if not all of these reasons is suppose to keep me IN LINE.

We'll frankly, I think I'm gonna get out OF LINE in fact.. as my exploring continues...
Have a look at some of these 2, and let me know what you think. Not many men dress like this and why not? I think it's very sharp. God knows my little boy is saying to myself: no! no! no! people will laugh at you.. just blend in - like what you're parents taught you...
To him (my little boy) I say: don't worry. I got ya. We'll rock whatever we want.

I decided to wear a kilt to pick up my daughter from school - PEOPLE WENT NUTS!

The picture above is me sitting on the steps of a church in my neighbourhood. I was writing in my journal at the time, about a 1/2 hr b4 I needed to pick up my daughter. On the day I wore the kilt, I could feel people eyes burn through my head - or really - they were looking at my lower half. But the real assault came from the little boys at the school. IN fact, two in particular were just plain angry that I was wearing the kilt, as were their mothers.
So, I arrived to pick up Stinkapee and she comes screaming out of school, as she always does. She's happy! happy! happy! that she can do flips and is dying to show me. Off she races to the playground. In the middle of me spotting her, so she doesn't fall, I hear my first playground buzz: "Dude" this boy who can't be more than 8 years old says, "why are you wearing a dress.. er a skirt?"
"Cause I like it". I respond.
"I mean", he continues "I'm Irish and everything, but I think it's a little weird tradition.."
His friend, another boy, jumps in "I really like it" and another girl overhearing while going across the monkey bars says: "boys can wear whatever girls can, it's his choice!" and Stinkapee pipes up and says: "exactly!"

More to this story.. plus my thoughts.. but I have to go clean the back deck b4 my son wakes up.
OK, I'm back, .. it's the next day actually - but i'll just continue inside this post.

So I continue into the playground, following my daughter as she does her flips and such.. very scary those moves.. but she is very confident.

I hear a woman, whom I recognize as a caregiver. She comes up to me excitedly saying: "I love your kilt!." She gives me a warm smile.

Ok, I thought. In fact, it was more the conservative Euro-Canadian moms that took most of the issue. One, in a group of them actually started at me - in a cold tone: "So, like.. we've been talking.. and .. well.. what's with the kilt?"

Hang on. "We've been talking?" what is this? Highschool. Who are they: the gender code/ style police?

"MAN STEPPING OUT OF LINE, MUST TRY AND MAKE HIM FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE..MUST TRY MUST TRY MUST TRY"

"What?" ---I demand the 3 of them.

A little shocked by my response, they begin to smile and say.. "it's just that .. well.."
"Oh ladies .. it's all about style and wearing what you want"
"er.. er.. of course", they offer. "we just wanted to know" as another woman came breezing through saying "We'll all I want to know is, what's underneath!!"
"That can be arranged, outside of school hours"... and she laughed at the friendly flirting.

"I can't believe you said that!!" said one of the others as I exited and crossed back over to the playground, where Stinkapee was still doing her thing... playing and jumping and all..

Observing the kids got me thinking about how much work - not the kids - but the ADULTS have to do, to deal with the gender stuff. Me included. I want my SON to be able to wear whatever the fuck he wants to wear - but he's only gonna do it - if he's leading my example. It was good to hear other boys be "supportive" but .. wow.. you could hear feel the temperature go down when the Euro-Can watched me. I find them unbelievably conservative. The Irish woman was fine, as was the caregiver - also not born here (I talked to her later and found out.) - but I find the Euro-Canadian performing a low-grade snob persona - to somehow mimic what they think is British and high class. Sad really.

Interestingly, people don't seem to have a hard time with Euro-Canadians stealing African American culture - but let a Black person put on an Irish kilt and heads start to roll.
Just another say on the playground.

I'm back. Never went anywhere really...It's fall - the summer is over...

and I'm back to blogging feelings, and emotions. I'm going to be more regular now - and incorporate more pix, fashion and crucial elements that will take me on my ride. See you all soon. Happy Autumn 2008

JEALOUSLY

Lots more of these posts are coming.
First off, I'm really happy things are happening in my family which are changes. I need to get out of this slush I'm living in ... and 1tbm moves are exactly what we need... Ok, so how do I feel about not being the centre of everything -all the time.. well I feel crappy.. I'm like a spoiled child...
more coming...

42degrees

That's how hott is feel in the city today.. in fact, it's been that way for a bit now.. and I like it.. makes me forget all about the windchill factor of the winter...

If you've reading over at 1tbm you know that she has kick started (again) after waiting for me to follow thru on my end of our relationship. I really believe in polyamory and have for a long time - but I our relationship has, tome, gone thru som much struggle and more struggle (you can read prior posts to know what I'm talking about) that I foolishly thought, well - I'll close down, stop communicating, close people out, embrace my parents values, monogamy - and be live a nice miserable life... how sweet!

1tbm was like: I can't do this anymore.. I have to do something different... I AM going to do something different.. and goddess glory she did and to amazing results! (I should correct this... it's not that she did something different - it's more like she stopped waiting for me to followthru - she couldn't take the constant BLAhhhhhh that I insisted we live in..

OK so she's met a number of individuals and I am crazy excited about it. I feel like I finally ready to meet new and interesting people. And 1tbm and the way we are starting to do poly again feels great...

Yesterday I took the kids and she went on a date. I prepared a little bunch for her friend - and the two of them were off. I was really excited about this guy (I'm always looking for good men friends who are quality, emotionally present and self critiqing) and I seems to be one of them.

It also helps that 1tbm is very clear about how she interacts with, they need to have, and show a particular energy about themselves before she engages.

Jealously is a big deal for me.. it always has been. I want everyone to be mine, I want 1tbm to be mine, I want everyone to be for me and only me and that's it... But really, I don't have the capacity to be command or even take on that much attention...

This may seem aburpt, but I have to go now...
I have to take advantage of this weather... this is Canada after all... but I'll return soon...

I'm back ...it's been awhile

This seems like a recurring thing, I know.. but I've come back to blog about difficult times, and struggles I'm dealing with.

First, I think everyone lies to themselves on a daily basis, and I am no exception. The thing is, I choosing to not stop lying to myself. I'm struggling with what I learned from my crazy insane folks about the importance of secrecy, keeping up appearances, and selfishness. It's like they opened my skull, poured their stuff inside - gave my a whirl, and then - left me to *live*.

Fresh in mind right now, is a phone call I had with my father. It actually reminds me of me - and how selfish I can be. No, correction: how selfish, I am.

So, a few days ago, my daughter "Sstinks" had a birthday party. Now, I should remind any of you who might be reading - that I have to struggle and really convince my mother (my dada is not an option) to actually spend time with my daughter. They usually see them when we cart ourselves over there.

So, anyway, the morning of the party, I called Mr. Monrovia, to ask him if could pick her up from the party she was at and drop her home. Can you believe he actually started out by saying that he'd prefer if I would take the subway over to his house, use the car, return the car, and then take the subway back to my house -
because that is what would be convience to him. Silence.

I told him that the party was about 2km from my house(as oppose to his 12km), (and we weren't trying to send a taxi) so could he just please pick her up and bring her back to the house.

I felt angry. I had to explain how we (DD and myself) are the only ones in the house takoing care of our children, and so me being away for that travel time makes no sense. I was made to have to jump thru hoops to be able to get Stinkapee home from a party.

It is this jumping thru hoops that I try and force DD to go thru with me.

Off to go meet the family now...