Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I CAN'T RUN FROM MY BRAIN After years of denial/struggle resulting in a stalled sex life .. I re/embark on a crucial journey

The ironic and sad part of this next post is that sex has been abundant in the house, and in my relationship with darkdaughta - I have had lots of opportunities (and actually continue to) have lots of responsible sex in a polyamorous context. The choices that I have made within that make no sense, unless I am trying to live out what I think I deserve: a sexless existence. And of course, this is not what I want... and this is not what my life in Azania has been... quite the opposite in fact.

SO, this has taken a bit of time for me to write. Even longer to publish. 3 weeks I think.. IT has taken me even longer to actual, well.. do. When I first came into relationship with darkdaughta, an anti-oppression, anti-authoritarian, sex positive, pro-choice, Black conscious, queer, feminist - I must have thought, ok, well - you have your way of thinking - and I haven't given much thought to my way of thinking or my place in the world, less being a straight Black man. I didn't really think about my class background or my relationship to sex..

Sure I had sex, responsibly and ethically - but did I actually understand sex in all of it's complexities .. in a word? No.

Nor did I feel I needed to. I was Seminalson. I have learned everything there is to know about everything, and what was darkdaughta going to teach me? ...right... lol...

I also understood her as a threat. A threat to my familiar, limited, conservative life I like to hold on to. I still struggle with how much she loves me... is she actually laughing at me?

No of course not.

Check out
  • one of my other posts
  • to see how I express my upset sometimes in our relationship.

    I grew up in a very sex negative house. My mother, confirms this. I thought it was normal for no one to ever speak about sex in my household growing up. As a matter of fact, I can honestly say that not until my early twenties did I even hear the world orgasm come out of my father's mouth - and it wasn't orgasm - he said: orgasmoo.

    Actually, that's pretty telling isn't it.

    He was definitely not comfortable with the word at all in front of me. I have never really thought about it b4. No, that's not true, either.

    I have journal entries dating back 3 years that went into my parents messed up stuff - around sexuality.
    I have journal entries about me at age 11 having kissed another boy, also 11. The silence that came from my parents, the (when looking back now) odd questions that came out of that. As darkdaughta has pointed out many times and the facilitator in my men's group has also said: they made an exploration with another boy some kind of horrible event, one in which I should sweeped under the rug and never talked about ever again, not even for any reason. At this crucial age - I felt completly lost, and it was left to me to find my own answers - to parent myself.

    Compounding this was another troubling incident. My older brother found out about this whole exploration I had. You know, he was already making my young life misreable, but from that day forward - he made it his mission to terrorize and humiliate me.

    I wonder what life would have been like if I had been allowed to not feel shame around this natural exploration and just been allowed to continue to live a normally ... these years of shame definitely would / have affect dealing with stinkapee and the baby that's coming. This is some of the work I agreed to tackle in being in relationship with darkdaughta. I said I understood that she was not a straight lady: trained and programmed to settle for whatever I had to offer in terms of relationship. How was she suppose to build with any man - without that man doing some personal work? And as I type this - she is 100 percent right. But don't be fooled... I spend much of my time (for the past 5 years) in a cocky, arrogant state - where nothing she is saying is going into my brain. I have to be right, right, right... It is patriarchal, it's brutish.. and it engrained in my head. How arrogant am I to think that accepting/ embracing patriarchy was going to be ok with darkdaughta adn inside Azania.

    I know where much of this comes from - and we've talked about it. But it this talking about it - and my non-action that is the energy drain. It drains and drains and drains. It has been a soul killer for darkdaugtha to struggle on a daily basis with me about this stuff. But this is me writing about it now.

    But I feel like I've been stuck in a loop, a loop where darkdaughta suggests I look at material that could help provide a frame of how I'm feeling - I agree - but I get scared. It needs to happen in my timeline, and at the same time I know that my timeline includes the very real lives of Stinkapee and the next baby - to safe guard their childhood and place in the world as little people, so that they can grow safely into mature, sexually healthy adults.

    My timeline also includes my very real life and the commitments I made in being in relationship with darkdaugtha.

    At the beginning of this, I talked about who darkdaughta is. I have chosen to not sit with the choices she has made - in relation to partnering with a straight, middle/class, sexuallly conservative (actually repressed/oppressed) individual.

    I hold my head in the emotional weight of what I've written here. Darkdaughta made a choice, a choice that also had to do with love, trust and alliance building. I made a choice. To love responsibly and ethically and to welcome challege. This could not be more clear now, as other folks in our intentional community have made very clear choices to reneg on their commitments.

    But my oath, came before Azania, and I actually started doing the work even b4 Azania was formed. I felt alone during this early stage. Darkdaughta would say to me, suggest to me the tools to build up supports to deal with some of this stuff. But, in truth, I did not want to deal with it. I think I wanted it because the confusion and pain were familiar. I am still like this, even though I am trying to move from here.

    Even with a wealth of conversation; books and on-line access - I refused to have sex with darkdaughta in the beginning of her pregnancy with Stinkapee (this over 4 years ago). As I write this, I wonder if this was about the resent I felt with her for being pregnant. I think I was really confused and overwhelemd, and performing the 'everything's fine' line - but really just feeling confused. It wasn't simple resent, there was more. I didn't think of myself as as worthy of having a secure and healthy life, including a sexual partner.

    In fact, I spent 9 years in partnership with a woman who I was attracted to (throughout highschool and part of secondary school) but we would never engage in anything sexual

    I understood myself as not worthy enough. And I definitely had skin colour internalized racism in me - which said: she's South asian, 'pretty', (or what I understood as 'pretty' in a society that has stratified people of the world via their nose shape, skin shade, etc) She paid attention to me, but honestly I thought it was because I was useful in some way. And I was, I kept other boys, and men away and this she wanted. I was good enough to be used as a tool.

    This reminds me of my relationship with Bongafish, and how complex and layered our relationship is and was. Part of my relationship with Bongafish was her using me to mask the fact that she was queer. With me by her side, she was assured safe passage thru Black middle class spaces.

    So, back to the present. Darkdaughta and I are polyamorous. If I so chose, and it is properly negoitated I can sleep with anyone I wish and have. No matter, because I choose in my head that women aren't attracted to me; they see something off about me. They'll laugh at me, and run way. I'll be made fun of. As I write this, I am saying to myself: that won't happen. That's a script in your head.

    I am partnered to the most dynamic, experimental, beautiful, ethical, courageous, woman I have met - but I don't really value this. IT just sounds good. She wanted to teach me things. I've been so wounded and bruised growing up, I just wanted to be the leader, the knower of all things sexual. After all, it is not like there is more to know after you're sixteen right? WRONG.

    By refusing to look at my past, ignoring her requests, and totally and completely ignoring my own soul which is trying to heal - I have rejected what I claim to want - a healthy physical relationship with darkdaughta. Why would she want to sleep with a partner who reneged on his agreements - while at the same time reserving the right to blame her for all of this. And in fact, whan I blame darkdaugtha for all my problems - it fits because thenI can say - ah ya.. you're not attracted to me! You won't touch me! And I hate you for not just going along with whatever I want.
    Now those are familiar voices. I need them to go.

    And they are with the help of the supports I am finally putting into place.
    This post to be expanded, so check back when you can.

    Wednesday, March 15, 2006


    I told Phoenixfish that I would like to build with her, within the context of Azania - that I care for her, love her...

    It felt scary talking to her about my dreams for Azania given that I experienced her to want to destroy it, dismantle it, step on it and harm it. But, I actually felt good sharing space with her. We talked about our attractions, and what it would mean to actually forge ahead. I think we're doing well, I think we're moving in a direction I never thought was possible. Much more to coming ...

    Thursday, March 09, 2006

    Crying, Yelling, Screaming, Stomping ... being touched and held ... by men ... WHAT??!

    A snipett from my men's emotional group... during this session, this was the first time I actually totally vulnerable with men in a safe environment. Ever. Blows my mind!
    I CAN STILL SEE Don's face, way too close to mine with one hand supporting my back, one hand on my heart. I lock eyes with him, and he says to me: "what do you feel now? what do you want to do?" eyes staring right at me. I can feel his care for me like the strong breeze swirling around me. "I want to run... I want to get the f#ck outta here... so I'm going to stay" "Good" says Paul, the lead facilitator - eyes and emotions matching the intensity of Don.

    I stay.

    Water runs down my face and...

    Friday, March 03, 2006

    WATCH THAT TONE! you're just too loud darkdaughta...

    THIS YEAR darkdaughta and I will celebrate 6 years of knowing each other. And through all of this time, we have laughed, cried, explored and struggled. And thru all of this time, a consistant theme has been running as I watch and support her move thru the world, head held up, speaking from her toes, and being vocal with surity and confidence. That theme is fear. How can she possibly be so well spoken and confident people wonder. Must destroy, Must destroy, Must destroy.. the actions that soon follow. By the way: this is b4 they know her politic etc.

    People fear her. Community members fear her.
    And so, most people don't want to feel fear in relation to her - and so a process called elimination begins. I have been watching this. I have actively blocked against it/ and supported darkdaughta in blocking non-allies. But it's a lot.

    In fact, (as I leave for work now) I think about how my sheilds are (almost slways up) when we meet and engage with anyone new. Many times I support darkdaughta in not interactng at all - cause sense she is going to speak the truth - when it is necessary... well... lets just say - the truth is not welcome in many cases in the real world.

    More to come...

    I LIKE MY COUNSELLOR yes... i do.

    YESTERDAY I WENT TO MY MEN'S EMOTIONAL group and today I saw another great ally: my counsellor. She is a fantastic individual who not only listens but also feels when I talk to her. And I can see her feeling. And she encourages me to feel. She is honest in her delivery, in her conversation, and she is quite straight forward. I like that. And I like her. I mentioned my men's emotional group here because there is a piece of me that thinks I am being self indulgent in doing all of this personal work. Am I really taking all this time to do this? Who the hell am I to do this? And how in the christ can I afford it.. cause it sure as hell ain't free... For those of you wondering: some people prioritize smokes, alcohol, drugs, clubbing, really fancy shoes, expensive cars etc, in their lives. And that's their choice. My priority is my personal healing work. I figure, whatever else will come.

    So, today, I saw my counsellor and we talked about a number of things. I told her about seeing my brother, todeboy, when I was over at my folks on Sunday. Moving thru the fear and upset I have in relation to my memories with todeboy, I simply came right up to him and said hi. He seemed surprised, even a little off kilter. And so, he fired: so, you know SO&SO? I don't know who you're talking about" I quipped.

    "Sure, you know, his daughter goes to the same daycare as stinkapee" he probed.
    Now, I know the person he is talking about is not a friend, and he is only bringing this up to make me uncomfortable. The person he is talking about is a coward who tired to get information from about our family (probably to gossip) from Bongafish. It was a day when she was at the school without myself, or darkdaughta or any other community member. He intentionally went to her for information - he had never once approached me about my brother. - but he did ask about him through Bongafish.

    Now, months later... stinkapee doesn't attend the school (not daycare) he's referring too, but I wasn't about to engage in conversation about that. When Toteboy he informed me that I knew this person, because the person also knew another mutual acquaintance - Wil - I redirected the conversation by asking him about Wil, a person I know Todeboy he doesn't like or understand.

    More later...