Sunday, December 28, 2008

Celebrating the celebration

This clip is just amazing. But run, don't walk to see this film if you're interested in seeing the way my family operates... Now the films specific details (as in what happened to the characters) is not the same as my family, however, and more importantly is the similarities in HOW THE patriarchal, cold, family members are when they hear the truth about their beloved patriarch. This clip, while useful, does not do the actual film full justice.

I am very happy to have a clip from the film "The Celebration" to put on my blog. Thanks to 1TBM for finding it (it is up on her site). More to come.. my son is waking up...

OK- I"m back... a few days later...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Friday, December 26, 2008


That's what I'm up to today.
I'll be recounting all of the routines and things my family likes - putting them on "paper" so I can start to stop throwing away information, and asking DD to do it/ remember it for me.
Wish me luck.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Judgement Day is coming... NO not the movie


"An indigenous woman holds her child while trying to resist the advance of Amazonas state policemen who were expelling the woman and some 200 other members of the Landless Movement from a privately-owned tract of land on the outskirts of Manaus, in the heart of the Brazilian Amazon March 11, 2008. The landless peasants tried in vain to resist the eviction with bows and arrows against police using tear gas and trained dogs, and were evicted from the land. (REUTERS/Luiz Vasconcelos-A Critica/AE)"

At some point things will get bad enough and we/you/I will have to actually fight for what we believe. We are not yet fighting. The fight has not yet begun for many of us north amerikkkan bloggers. I don't say I pray it never comes because then I will work to keep shit under wraps. If I pray the fire does not this time then I will work to maintain power relations that increasingly seek to control all we hold dear.

I know we will physically have to fight, get our smooth hands dirty, get our fine threads ripped, watch our homes burn and have to run out into the streets if not this year maybe in ten or twenty...

Those of us who choose to resist in that moment will knowingly choose to not hide the eyes of our children from battle but instead we will model to them what it means to overtly and fully resist. We will gift them with the knowledge of what it means to defy the powers that be with everylastblastedthing they/we have within.

"Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are those who want crops without plowing the ground; they want rain without thunder and lightning; they want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. power never concedes anything without a demand. it never did and it never will. find out just what people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or both."

- frederick douglass

***********************this post reproduced from 1TBM ************************

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

NOT retaining information or being consistent

"..But you always were picking me up a breakfast snack, what happened?"
asked 1TBM.
I had no answer for her.

Of course, this wasn't really just about a breakfast snack. My overall way of being - developing a pattern - a way of being so to speak - lasts for a bit, and then I fall off my wagon. But as I type this, I think it has something to do with thinking there will always be a safetey net. Someone I can always call on, rely on, fill n the gaps... I think it's about my parent stuff - my mommy stuff...

How does that relate to not bringing home a breakfast snack that I always bring home? I think on some level, (1TBM thought it'd be good if I asked myself) I want to sabotage my routines - or routines my partner depends on - so that my imaginary parents will pick up the slack.

Sounds crazy no?

What else - my little boy who likes to lead and act like a "big" adult, also wanted to seen saving money (and we all know how a $1.79 breakfast snack) kills the monthly budget. She needs to suffer.. SUFFER...
in fact we both need to SUFFER... that's why I didn't get any snack either...

I have to get my father out of my head. Fuck!
The struggle and the recognizing behaviour continues.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I played the part of my great aunt and then my father

Went to see my counselor. If you just started reading this blog... I see a counselor. Boy does it help with some of my process. So we've doing some physco dramatic therapy to really connect me to the memories in my past. First I start with my old aunt.

What did I connect with?


I think I'll write some point form notes as the memories fly on to the keyboard..
-her soap opera - on CBS, and global only
-my connection to these and the price is right
-I have a melodramatic sensibility that has really shaped me because I have chosen to allow those fuckin' stories to sink in my head
-she was very focused on males (extremely patriarchal)
-loved her boys (that would be myself and my brothers)
-I understood that I was to take care of her as she got weaker in her old age, not just because of love, but also because I was a man and needed to protect her from something.. (falling down the stairs?)
-NOt sure what this meant, when no one else in the house seem to worry about her...
-I was the one with the compassion...

-She also like to cook, and was very picky about what she ate
-I think I got some of this, but when I decide to - I just eat crap (McD's) when I'm ready.

AND NOW FATHER MONROVIA (that was today)
Here is a summary of how the conversation went today in my session-

Peter: (not really my counselor's name)
"Hello, my name is Peter, and I'll be interviewing you today"
Father Monrovia (played by me when I would have been 12 yrs old):
"Welcome. Is it cold enough for you"
P: "It is pretty cold, thanks for having em"
FM: So what would like to know
P: I was wondering were you're from?
FM: I'm from ***
P: Do you work?
FM: Yes. I'm a teacher for the **** Board
P: Wow - which school, sounds far..
FM: Well it might be .. but you have to do what you have to do you know... is expensive .. you gotta have the paper to get things done, otherwise what are you gonna do - live on air.
P: So, you're in charge of the financial end of things in the house?
FM: Well no. That's more my wife. She spends.
P: How do you feel about that
FM: I think sometimes she's a bit crazy.. but you know wives... what can I say?
P: Do you like your home
FM: Yeah, but I'm not sure we can afford it...It was my wife's idea -
P: What do you mean?
FM: Well, she's a little nuts...

TO BE continued...
(all this to say, I have some of these traits now.. negative )