Monday, January 12, 2009

Back from my counseling session...

I feel very raw today. I have never been rocked to my core.. of allowed myself to be rocked like I was last night during in treatment. The whole series (beyond the hype) is amazing. I feel amazing having this show and the character of Alex to connect with -- not in a lovely dovey way - just a simple connection.

And then they dropped a stone on my head. They killed him. I told my counselor that is simply not possible for an African american to exist past the specific stereotypes which have been allowed to flourish.

Questioning? Feeling? Asking? Demanding? NO NO NO
Lots of tears today in my counselors office.
Godd tears.
Healthly tears. Tears in the presence of anoth0er man. I felt ok. I felt safe.. not my usual experience with men. ANOTHER NONONO

Can we have more?
can't we have more than tracy Moore , Martin Laurence, and Eddie Murphy?

I am a complex being, hungry, thirdsty, for a new kind of brotha, a new kind of man.. no not the Obama "proper Blackman" kind of man.. but a sentient being who lives fully, thinks fully, loves fully.. happily, proudly.

Lots more to come


'I don't want to talk about it" is the title of the book I've been reading for over a year now.. off and on.. for me it is emotionally draining and exciting all at once. Not like any other book I've put my hands on...
... It is so amazing.. it should be required reading for all men today. Period.
No really it should.

I picked it up again off the bookshelf just to re-connect to Real's (the author) words and was again reminded of the torment so many men live under and don't even know it - in terms of so many decisions.. daily decisions they make - in an effort to live up to the "masculinity" standards.

I certainly have a past of trying to live up to those standards.

Earlier this year, I started watching episodes of the HBO series "In Treatment". Over the past couple of weeks, Darkdaughta and I started to watch the show in a batch. I think we've watched about 30-35 of the episodes .. and one of the characters that really stands out to me is 'Alex' portrayed by Blair Underwood.

I don't want to give away too much if you haven't seen the show... but it is truly amazing to watch this actor play this specific role. It (the role) is UNLIKE any African-American character I've seen in on network or cable television in recent memory.. forget that.. in all of my memory.

And take note: FYI - I by no means only watch Black american characters on the tube - quite the opposite in fact... because sooo many of the Black characters on TV are written as flat as a Denny's flap jack - I have now come to expect Black characters to be under-developed, under-written, and just generally lacking.

It is actually this kind of stereotype that I battle with on this site, and in the real world... No worries though.. life continues... I continue.. - back to the show...

As soon as I was introduced to the character - pieces of him I 'knew', other pieces I didn't want to know, ... but I did. Alex is a classic case of someone who is so-hyper masculine - you know that a little boy is hiding under there.. scared and alone.

I think a lot of men are in Alex's shoes. I'm not saying we are exactly like this character however, pieces of us are there. How could would not be? We (men) have not - in any real fundamental way really looked at how we have been formed - the choices we have made in regards to so many of out life decisions that supposedly make us 'real' men.

The decisions are all made for us: who we'll love, who we'll love, who'll fuck, who'll we'll hate, what we wear, how we walk, how we talk, how we eat, how we listen, HOW WE FEEL, how we talk about how we feel.. the list goes on, and on and on. I'm also looking at a book named Iron John. It speaks to some of this.. but I've only just begun.. so I'll let you know how that's going...

----I just watched the next episodes of the show... I'm in shock/my heads exploding/lots to process/father/son/trauma/...
will continue tomorrow

Good night