Wednesday, September 29, 2010

BLAME: Can't just blame my mother

After some conversation today - a harsh reality is swirling in my head around the choices that I make - and the choices my mother had a couple of years back. 

**If you're new to this blog please go back and read some posts cause I'm not much interested in doing a full re-cap of everything. Thanks in advance**

So - a couple of years ago - my mother invited me into her counseling sessions. I was intially excited. Progress. Connection. Commitment. Now, keep in mind - most folks would be mega excited to be trying to work through stuff with there parents - if they were willing. But this IS complicated stuff with lots of layers. Let me explain.  (And as always - let me know YOUR thoughts)..  T.B>continued..

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Pre-Visit to Mother's Counselor

So - I just spoke to my mother and I am going to be heading to her counselor tomorrow. She doesn't know why I am heading there - and I still have to write out - like MY counselor suggested - exactly what I want to say. I also need to let my mother's counselor know that she uses her, OR her health, anxiety - anything to avoid conversations and I hope that this will not happen in this conversation. Yesterday I wrote about realizations re: my mother's behaviour and on the advice of my partner and my counselor - I need to draw a line in the sand.

I actually don't know what the result of this is going to be. Not a clue. Both my folks are unpredictable in some ways - but really it comes done to how seriously am **I** going to take this. My counselor says that for my own protection, sanity, and for the sake of being able to have relationships that are deep and close - this needs to happen.

I need to stop protecting her. What am I protecting her from? I'm not sure.

Monday, September 27, 2010

New post! Feelings & Manipulations

So. What has brought me back to blog land. My relationship being on the brink and me thinking - you know what - maybe it will help if folks know what I'm thinking. So - I'm just gonna dive in. But folks? I'd really like it if you commented. Cause it is a lonely internet world out here..
Today I cried in my counseling appointment. I had been describing what happened over the weekend with my mother (and by extension my father) and realized how fucked up it was.  
Weeks back my mother had told me that she was going to New York City and I said to her: directly to her face that it would great to take daughter with her because she was going to an art exhibit and going to see a famous African American artist.  She sounded positive - as though that would be a grand idea - only - to not mention it again. In fact, first she said she was feeling under the weather days leading up to her departure - and then the day before - she announced that she was going.  

But no mention of daughter coming with her.  Just an offer:   "would you like to borrow our car during the time we are gone?"  WOw, I'm just seeing here how manipulative she can be.

But then, so can I. That's where I learned it.

So - this past weekend I went over to Monorovia - the house I grew up in.  I had son & daughter with me.  I observed a lot of behaviours that I had decided I don't "really" do. My father was there too - he did his usual "pleasantries" - not very interactive at all. He seemed to very interested in son. But that is only when Oli is interactive with him - otherwise - he'll go and watch the american all news network.

On Sunday morning - I told daughter and son that we'd be going to a park downtown for a show featuring many of their personalities from their favorite children's television network. They were very excited.  I was excited for them. About 15 minutes before we left the house - my mother asked if she could come. 

I said yes.. but was curious about why she wanted to come. 
She said it was because she had just gotten back from a huge metropolis south of the border and didn't feel like staying home.  I thought to myself: oh, it's not because she wants to spend more time with the grandchildren. lol... 

We all went to the event and the children had an amazing time. Then we went out to dinner at restaurant. 

But the point of this post is (and this came out in my counseling session) is that I still operate in a mode that is protecting my mother. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and what's more - I don't want her to hurt mine. I hurts me that she didn't want to take daughter away with her - to an exhibition she would have loved.  It also hurts that she wouldn't talk about it. What's more: then she offers up a "carrot" like her car - something that she surely knows my family would find useful here and there.

This reminds me of some of my behaviour in what are suppose to be close relationships. I tend to think that NOT addressing an issue and offering up WHAT I BELIEVE will be useful is better than actually dealing with an issue.  But really - I think it is just about NOT dealing it, and pretending it will all go away. But what that amounts to is me just getting what I want and disregarding the other person's feelings.