Monday, September 27, 2010

New post! Feelings & Manipulations

So. What has brought me back to blog land. My relationship being on the brink and me thinking - you know what - maybe it will help if folks know what I'm thinking. So - I'm just gonna dive in. But folks? I'd really like it if you commented. Cause it is a lonely internet world out here..
Today I cried in my counseling appointment. I had been describing what happened over the weekend with my mother (and by extension my father) and realized how fucked up it was.  
Weeks back my mother had told me that she was going to New York City and I said to her: directly to her face that it would great to take daughter with her because she was going to an art exhibit and going to see a famous African American artist.  She sounded positive - as though that would be a grand idea - only - to not mention it again. In fact, first she said she was feeling under the weather days leading up to her departure - and then the day before - she announced that she was going.  

But no mention of daughter coming with her.  Just an offer:   "would you like to borrow our car during the time we are gone?"  WOw, I'm just seeing here how manipulative she can be.

But then, so can I. That's where I learned it.

So - this past weekend I went over to Monorovia - the house I grew up in.  I had son & daughter with me.  I observed a lot of behaviours that I had decided I don't "really" do. My father was there too - he did his usual "pleasantries" - not very interactive at all. He seemed to very interested in son. But that is only when Oli is interactive with him - otherwise - he'll go and watch the american all news network.

On Sunday morning - I told daughter and son that we'd be going to a park downtown for a show featuring many of their personalities from their favorite children's television network. They were very excited.  I was excited for them. About 15 minutes before we left the house - my mother asked if she could come. 

I said yes.. but was curious about why she wanted to come. 
She said it was because she had just gotten back from a huge metropolis south of the border and didn't feel like staying home.  I thought to myself: oh, it's not because she wants to spend more time with the grandchildren. lol... 

We all went to the event and the children had an amazing time. Then we went out to dinner at restaurant. 

But the point of this post is (and this came out in my counseling session) is that I still operate in a mode that is protecting my mother. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and what's more - I don't want her to hurt mine. I hurts me that she didn't want to take daughter away with her - to an exhibition she would have loved.  It also hurts that she wouldn't talk about it. What's more: then she offers up a "carrot" like her car - something that she surely knows my family would find useful here and there.

This reminds me of some of my behaviour in what are suppose to be close relationships. I tend to think that NOT addressing an issue and offering up WHAT I BELIEVE will be useful is better than actually dealing with an issue.  But really - I think it is just about NOT dealing it, and pretending it will all go away. But what that amounts to is me just getting what I want and disregarding the other person's feelings.

No comments: