Tuesday, December 23, 2008

NOT retaining information or being consistent

"..But you always were picking me up a breakfast snack, what happened?"
asked 1TBM.
I had no answer for her.

Of course, this wasn't really just about a breakfast snack. My overall way of being - developing a pattern - a way of being so to speak - lasts for a bit, and then I fall off my wagon. But as I type this, I think it has something to do with thinking there will always be a safetey net. Someone I can always call on, rely on, fill n the gaps... I think it's about my parent stuff - my mommy stuff...

How does that relate to not bringing home a breakfast snack that I always bring home? I think on some level, (1TBM thought it'd be good if I asked myself) I want to sabotage my routines - or routines my partner depends on - so that my imaginary parents will pick up the slack.

Sounds crazy no?

What else - my little boy who likes to lead and act like a "big" adult, also wanted to seen saving money (and we all know how a $1.79 breakfast snack) kills the monthly budget. She needs to suffer.. SUFFER...
in fact we both need to SUFFER... that's why I didn't get any snack either...

I have to get my father out of my head. Fuck!
The struggle and the recognizing behaviour continues.

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