Tuesday, January 31, 2006

CONFRONTING A PIECE OF MYSELF: the other twist in confronting my brother

As I write this, I know that I'm short on time. At any point stinkapee could wake up and usually she wants to hang put b4 I go to work. Write, .. Write.

So, at my last session with my men's group, I was feeling really and particularly wound up. I mean, it has just been a few weeks since I found out that darkdaughta was carrying a boy - although I have known for quite some time that she was pregnant. Well, I've known from the start really.

But when the facilitators of the group asked me to check in to see how I was feeling (as we do every week), I started to recount the horrible time my brother had created for me when stinkapee was in darkdaughta's belly and [oh stinkapee's up ... back in when i can...]

I always, or at least some of the time- trying and stay grounded in how much my partner has juggled to make our life together run. Stinkapee being in her arms while she typed, had meetings, cooked, went to appointments, etc... I need to remember this, b4 I think of myself as super dad.

Anyway, back to my confrontation - they asked me if I was interested in confronting my brother, and wanted to know what I'd say. At first I thought I wasn't too interested. What am I going to do, talk to them... are they suppose to stand in for him? Isn't that giving my brother too much time and space.

Well, by the end of it, I had achieved so much, that I can't wait to share my feelings about the process. I'm off to work now, so I'll have to continue this later.

[Well, I've returned from the "plantation"]...
It's about 9 o'clock...

It wasn't giving my brother too much space at all. At first I thought it was though. I was really scared. They say it's called psycho-dramatic theatre. All I know is that I felt really small play "him" in role. Not in the act of doing it, but because in my head he was there, I was tiggered back to an earlier me, and felt indimidated.

I talked to him and I said (oh, if you're reading this and wanting some context - feel free to go to my posting called "Off to my men's group" on my first site: Hipdaddy which will give you some back story about my brother and I. [One of them at least. Another entry about my other brother is to come.] In fact, me and brothers, and how that has shaped my relationship with men in general is to come. So much is to come.

Back to how I felt: scared. What in the hell was I doing in this room/ at this centre with 40 something and fifty something men, telling them about my feelings. Who are they, and why do I trust them? I came in / and continue to come in - wanting to be able to feel on the regular basis. When I was around my brother(s), I had to be stone because I was always attacked. And when I wasn't attacked I was humiliated. And then I just stopped talking to them altogether.

I also felt like I had no voice in my family home growing up. I was/ am the youngest, grew up being told I was inferior, but made up stories/and characters to fortify myself. The stories helped me actually gain an understanding myself as superior to my older brothers. Even when they were beating me up, I had my lies I could tell myself to either 1) pretend it wasn't happening or 2)tell them verbally that I knew that they were weak and that was the only reason they were attempting to terrorizing me. [This wasn't a lie] But I still I felt ripped apart. And I've been walking around with those feelings all along. I walk around with those feelings now. In fact, as I write this, the side of my head hurts, my eyes are starting to burn and I feel like I need to yell, and scream. I feel like I need to have a tantrum. It's better I recognize this now, and release it - rather than do my usual bottle it up and get into an argument with my 4 YEAR OLD, or doing something passive aggressive to my partner.

up next... how I gave darkdaughta "The Tode" the next day AND what my tantrum looks like...

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