Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Sure, I have lots of fears around what in the hell I'm going to do raising/ co-parenting a boy child. So much of my childhood was swirled with abuse and humiliation at the hands of my troubled, sadistic brothers - that my foundation for close relationships with boys is .. well.. really screwed up. Up until I was about 23, I actually thought it was kind of normal. Or at least, I thought, me pretending everything was cool (when it was so apparent that it wasn't ) was normal.

My partner darkdaughta says to me, even now: some of the battles you get into with stinkapee seem really sibling like. She's right. I have a lot of unpacking to do around my brothers, unpacking that I think I may have given myself permission to put, on hold - because - of course, there are all of these "things" that need to get done. I'm not sure what... but by George (or Frankie, or Eddie), they need to get done.

In my mens group last week, we reenacted (via psycho-drama, a new process for me, by the way) an argument between a group member and his wife. Afterwards he had a tantrum, and it was quite amazing. (More on my emotional reaction to this later) The week b4, the group supported me to have a tantrum too, so I kind of new what to expect.

I think I would like to do some kind of psycho-drama tonight. I'm not sure what part of my abuse I'm good re-creating. But, I don't think of it as re-creating abuse. I think it as speaking to it, massaging the memories, and working through them. I've done denial for a long time. You know, when darkdaughta and I first met, or rather in the first couple of months of seeing each other, she asked me: how was your childhood? And I said: Great! I travelled, went to over-night camps, played with friends, why do you ask? She seemed surprised by my answer because it was devoid of any memories of actual engagements with my brothers. She noted though,
her engagments with me, while loving and playful, were charged with something that was 'off'. A venom which was meant for my abusers, but instead put on to her. In some ways, it still is. See the earlier postings on hipdaddy.

At any rate, how do I plan on loving/caring for/ safe-guarding/teaching/ a boy child without doing some major work on myself now. It's not possible (without him being endanger). I think about my relationship with stinkapee, and how I didn't grow up with sisters, and so she probably doesn't trigger me as much as having a boy child. But she does trigger me, and more on that coming later too.

But my patriarchial beliefs mean that I have been programmed in society to protect "daddy's little girl", in ways which I would never protect the baby. Gezz, I wasn't even to big on this being his name because I thought it wasn't manly enough. Talk about flying in the face of the work I say I want to do to re-parent myself, and the work my partner lives and breaths. As I continue to re-parent...

No comments: