so what happened...

In my last post, I talked about how I was gonna do the p.d.theatre in my session. Well, we talked about incorporating it into further sessions so that's good. I have to say, I am so tired.. Barely getting "enough" sleep.

We continued talking about choices, and who is ultimately in charge of making the right choices.

Accepting the limitations of my folks is a big deal.
Accepting that they are human, mistake makers, triggered, scared, and of course.. will die - without everything that happened in my life being made "right" and "perfect" is really, really OK.

Can I accept that I feel alone, triggered, scared sometimes. Can I accept that I have traits from both of them? Can I accept that I am gift to the world and have wonderful energy to share? Can I love myself, knowing that I will protect myself, and love myself and be true to myself?

I think so.

Blaming my folks (and stopping there) only leads to me sitting on my ass. Re-parenting continues...

Today, I'm seeing my counselor.

Visiting my counselor this week, I kept running into the same realization I've known
for some time now, but really just ignored. At the end of the day: I have to make right decisions - and live by them - no matter how much my father or my mother played a part in fucking me up. If I could just blame them, then they'd just blame their parents and so on, and so on, and it would never end.

No one would ever .. well.. grow.

I think sometimes, that's what I choose to do.
Not grow. Dig my heals in and just let bad choices happen - just because, I can. I can just be. And my little boy feels good about that because that is what he knows.

I been having some really wicked non-conversations with 1TBM about the way I do *interactions* in the house. It's like I can't even hear her.

I refuse.

And it goes past her to other people as well - I simply stop listening to people after awhile. After they get started talking, I'm with them... but something clicks off in my head/brain and I end up missing stuff.

It's scary now, as I type it.

But make no mistake: there is a difference between tuning out, and having a really bad attitude much of the time and being as ass when people who care about you ask you about it because it's spilling on to them in unhealthy ways.

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All that to say, I've been in a rut for sometime now. I'm gonna propose to my counselor that we do some psychodramatic work - so I can talk to my folks. It's gonna be hard - but I have a lot of anger towards my parents and I know that I need to release it, continually.

But down to the nuts and bolts of my this work. What am I so upset about? Being ignored and no one caring that I was being beaten up; not listening to me when I cried out for help; for telling me about fucking Hawaii and to encourage me to deny my feelings; -- Yikes...

I'm doing this work with him (yes, he's a male counselor - very good for me, considering where I'm at in regards to men... it's letting me slow and surely re-build my trust in men)cause it will be safe and at the end of day I still need support for someone who is only interested in supporting me.

I'll write and let you all know what happens. Tomorrow I'm starting two new projects, one of which takes me to my folks house to get to know them like I never have before.

I'm not a ROCKSTAR...

I'm going shopping this week. Since my son is going to be wearing so much awesome colour - like PINK, and PURPLE... I definitely need to have more of it in my wardrobe.

I'm think I'm getting more comfortable dressing outside the box over time. Mostly, my issue has been the demons in my past which now run rough shot over my adult brain. Or, I should say: I make the choice to allow it to run rough-shod over my brain.

So? what has made dressing 'different' easier?

I think people seeing me out and about... and different comments people have made...
one time I was wearing a long skirt, futuristic shiny material, olive green.. and this guy I've seen in the neighbourhood said to me "only you could pull that off S2"..

Another guy stopped me and said: "Dude, you totally remind me of (a certain African American rockstar, currently touring)"
and I my little teenager was like: wow, cool.

I think I'm giving off *cool* energy and people like it.

And then another piece of me was like: how sad.. looking for external validation from others? But I won't beat myself up about that to much... we live in a external validation world. Pure and simple.

And I also thought.. the only way I can be accepted in wearing the clothing chooses I do.. and the chooses I'm gonna make in the future is if people think I'm some kind of rockstar, actor guy... no other type of ordinary man would do it...

[interestingly, I think I'd like to be a rockstar and an actor too...]

But I can't help but notice that I just can't be a guy trying to wear something a little different... just for the sake of exploration - without anything other reason..

Plain and simple...