Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I'm not a ROCKSTAR...

I'm going shopping this week. Since my son is going to be wearing so much awesome colour - like PINK, and PURPLE... I definitely need to have more of it in my wardrobe.

I'm think I'm getting more comfortable dressing outside the box over time. Mostly, my issue has been the demons in my past which now run rough shot over my adult brain. Or, I should say: I make the choice to allow it to run rough-shod over my brain.

So? what has made dressing 'different' easier?

I think people seeing me out and about... and different comments people have made...
one time I was wearing a long skirt, futuristic shiny material, olive green.. and this guy I've seen in the neighbourhood said to me "only you could pull that off S2"..

Another guy stopped me and said: "Dude, you totally remind me of (a certain African American rockstar, currently touring)"
and I my little teenager was like: wow, cool.

I think I'm giving off *cool* energy and people like it.

And then another piece of me was like: how sad.. looking for external validation from others? But I won't beat myself up about that to much... we live in a external validation world. Pure and simple.

And I also thought.. the only way I can be accepted in wearing the clothing chooses I do.. and the chooses I'm gonna make in the future is if people think I'm some kind of rockstar, actor guy... no other type of ordinary man would do it...

[interestingly, I think I'd like to be a rockstar and an actor too...]

But I can't help but notice that I just can't be a guy trying to wear something a little different... just for the sake of exploration - without anything other reason..

Plain and simple...


The Mighty Doll said...

I spent a couple years beating myself up about craving external validation. Thing is, we all love it. Where it becomes an issue is when it is our only validation, or the source of our entire self-esteem.

There's a balance to be struck there, and (for me at least) it seems to be a very thin line.

sarah said...

i'm interested in the feedback you've been getting from people about your more creative wardrobe. i guess dressing "weird" has been kind of an "artsy type" signal for a long time. but then, "i'm just a guy who is exploring clothes, who might like to be a rockstar type but isn't right now"... that is a nuanced thing to try to convey with outfits. sounds fun though. may the force be with you!

i think that external validation about dressing and grooming is complicated, because plumage is kind of a language. i don't want to depend on validation, but i do want to dress in ways that put my insides on the outside and help me connect with people. it's a non-verbal communication thing, so it makes some sense to want to know how it comes across to other people. i want to know how my communication is working, but it can be hard to tell that apart from just vanity and validation-seeking sometimes. even the communication aspect involves both expressing myself on my own terms, as well as trying to get through to other people on their terms. it's complicated to navigate.