Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I had another session with my counselor. We did more of the psycho dramatic sessions- this time I played my mother. I had been holding off on doing her - but some really important truths came out it. He (my counselor) made an obversation about my childhood house. Remember, he's asked me to perform each member of my family house. We done my great aunt, my father and then over the past few weeks - we/I've been dealing with the death of my father-in-law.
Jim (not my counselor's name) after now "seeing" all the adults that we the house was set up like when you came home, everyone entered their own silos. I have a lot more to write about this. And I will - but right now.. to my friend.

I always have had a problem with that word - but for a brief time I think I forgot about the dynamics that can exist between people when nothing is acknowledged. Really, I think I loved so much to spend time with this person - he seemed to match me creatively, and in terms of passion and vigor - that I forgot one crucial and totally PARAMOUNT element to our interaction.

He is primarily a work contact. And I only have myself to blame .. so much stuff rapped up in being near this person. He's charming, humble, good looking, talented, and funny. I like being around him - I don't feel like I need to be the one carrying the interaction. He's also bigger than I am - and since I had abusive brothers, neglectful parents - my little boy inside - saw him as a great protector.

God damn it..

I really liked him.
I felt good hanging out with him. Why did he have to go and be a fuck head?

More to come.
Boy, it feels good to put this down on paper and look it. I'm starting to look at the ways I engage with various people , and take them for granted.

More later.. - I pulled an all nighter and then dropped the kid at school.


Kaneda Jones said...

Had two friends who arent friends now. The first had an arguement with me about a third friend and once he got unfair I just had to cut myself off from him.. even when you stop comunicating with someone for very right reasons it hurts to lose a person once numbered as a friend.

the other friend I knew since high school. He was a great creative spirit, and a total force against the established order.. at least in his thoughts. It was because of him that I was introduced into the goth idustrial scene during the late eighties and his art was so stylish I kept offering to do leg work to get it published at no cost to himself. I always got the impression he ment more to me than I did to him but I thought that was just my hangups since that was my life experience (backed with more tangible evidence) since kindergarten. turns out one day he cut himself off from me for what appeared to be no reason.. All emphasis on the friendship was mine so my rational brain sees its nobodies responsibility but my own for how I felt at the time but geez it just doesnt change how ya feel inside to loose someone who felt like a brother. I have had other associates who have shown themselves to be on the wrong side of some of the lines I draw for myself after I made the effort to be friendly first.. yes it sucks people don't have a big DICKHEAD sign attached to them somewhere visible when it turns out they are going to be one.

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