You know what is really hard? Tracking my behaviours

I was sitting on my verandha having a conversation with DD a few moments ago and after much struggle to get me to talk (still as we close in on 10 years), and I begin to realize that I totally take relationships: the construction, the maintenance, the crafting, the building, the caring - .. I totally take it all for granted.

I never saw anyone crafting the kind of relationships they wanted to have with others growing up. From what I could tell, and from what my parents have told me, you're just supposed to roll with whatever the Universe has dealt you.

I know FOR ME, I certainly didn't grow up understanding the need to put thought into relationships. I really didn't. If they happened they did, if they didn't, they didn't. And my relationship with DD - that's a nightmare so much of the time in terms of communicating and building (except when I want something done).

Breathing.
Sad.
Deep exhale.

I say to myself, that I'd like a partner in crime, someone to share everything with, but I'm not sure that's true.

Fuck!
I know I say this all the time.. but I will start more blogging again. It does help.
Gotta pick up daughter from camp now.

Equity, a start

The mornings, and nighttime are a hard place for me. They always have been.

Hands around neck
Grabbing
Squeezing
Yelling

No One coming.
That really hurts.

-

Above: a memory from my past between my abusive brother and I.

I find myself in the same place again.
Well, maybe this is a different place today. THIS morning I actually decided to write something.

It was about 5am and Sholee my 3 year old woke up and wanted to see his mother. He is being taken off breast milk and I can see that DD doesn't get full sleep when he sleeps with her. He moves his legs, arms, waist every which way while breastfeeding.
It has taken me a while to even sleep with him- I didn't want too - I just wanted to try and get some sleep. But DD repeatedly asked me how I understood getting restful sleep over and over again- while she did not.

How did I understand doing that, but still expect her to function fully in the house and in our various art/business schemes.

Well really, I didn't really care.
I know, it sounds bad. But I didn't.

I just wanted what I wanted. And I still want WHAT I want - inequitably. You see, I think I understand equity in theory - but I need reminding in real life. You know, I also think to myself - these arguments would not be happening with a man, because I would already (built into the patriarchy) respect them enough to not try and make an effort to be equitable.

But DD isn't a man, and so here I am writing on the computer and feeling very sad about communicating not being taught to me when I was a child, whether it was by my father (which it was not) or whether was a brother or well someone.

That really sucks. My little boy longs for it, and thinks DD is his parent. Not a good place for either DD or myself.

My little boy sees DD as the father he didn't have.