The mornings, and nighttime are a hard place for me. They always have been.
Hands around neck
No One coming.
That really hurts.
Above: a memory from my past between my abusive brother and I.
I find myself in the same place again.
Well, maybe this is a different place today. THIS morning I actually decided to write something.
It was about 5am and Sholee my 3 year old woke up and wanted to see his mother. He is being taken off breast milk and I can see that DD doesn't get full sleep when he sleeps with her. He moves his legs, arms, waist every which way while breastfeeding.
It has taken me a while to even sleep with him- I didn't want too - I just wanted to try and get some sleep. But DD repeatedly asked me how I understood getting restful sleep over and over again- while she did not.
How did I understand doing that, but still expect her to function fully in the house and in our various art/business schemes.
Well really, I didn't really care.
I know, it sounds bad. But I didn't.
I just wanted what I wanted. And I still want WHAT I want - inequitably. You see, I think I understand equity in theory - but I need reminding in real life. You know, I also think to myself - these arguments would not be happening with a man, because I would already (built into the patriarchy) respect them enough to not try and make an effort to be equitable.
But DD isn't a man, and so here I am writing on the computer and feeling very sad about communicating not being taught to me when I was a child, whether it was by my father (which it was not) or whether was a brother or well someone.
That really sucks. My little boy longs for it, and thinks DD is his parent. Not a good place for either DD or myself.
My little boy sees DD as the father he didn't have.