Friday, July 03, 2009

Equity, a start

The mornings, and nighttime are a hard place for me. They always have been.

Hands around neck
Grabbing
Squeezing
Yelling

No One coming.
That really hurts.

-

Above: a memory from my past between my abusive brother and I.

I find myself in the same place again.
Well, maybe this is a different place today. THIS morning I actually decided to write something.

It was about 5am and Sholee my 3 year old woke up and wanted to see his mother. He is being taken off breast milk and I can see that DD doesn't get full sleep when he sleeps with her. He moves his legs, arms, waist every which way while breastfeeding.
It has taken me a while to even sleep with him- I didn't want too - I just wanted to try and get some sleep. But DD repeatedly asked me how I understood getting restful sleep over and over again- while she did not.

How did I understand doing that, but still expect her to function fully in the house and in our various art/business schemes.

Well really, I didn't really care.
I know, it sounds bad. But I didn't.

I just wanted what I wanted. And I still want WHAT I want - inequitably. You see, I think I understand equity in theory - but I need reminding in real life. You know, I also think to myself - these arguments would not be happening with a man, because I would already (built into the patriarchy) respect them enough to not try and make an effort to be equitable.

But DD isn't a man, and so here I am writing on the computer and feeling very sad about communicating not being taught to me when I was a child, whether it was by my father (which it was not) or whether was a brother or well someone.

That really sucks. My little boy longs for it, and thinks DD is his parent. Not a good place for either DD or myself.

My little boy sees DD as the father he didn't have.

1 comment:

secondwaver said...

Hi Ss,
I'm visiting your blog for the first time in months.
You're really peeling things back lately.
Thank you for writing about some of what you're learning about yourself, and deciding.
This will stay with me.