Thursday, February 09, 2006

Part 1 - I MUST KEEP GOING - as i strive to move through the fear ...

MY EXPERIENCE in my men's emotional group this week was layered. Again I felt scared and uncomfortable. I came in feeling excited that I had shared my blog with Don and Paul and at the same time nervous... what would they think? I have a lot of scripts in my head around 'judgement'- that I am trying to work through.

One of the things that stuck out for me in the group was when they were relaying their own experiences, feelings, current worries etc. As they would speak, I would go into this other place that was like:
am I really here?
Are these guys that I'm bonding with really 20-25 years older than I am?
Is one of them really gay?
and more importantly.. am I identifying with him?..
and what does that mean...

I'll tell you what it means. It means throughout my life I've been lied to. I've been cheated. Out of years of possibilities, of connection.. of building full and phenominal relationships with men in a very important way... responsibly.

But it is not all flowers and candy... I very nearly blocked the whole process. What happened for me is what I'll write about next.

1 comment:

Dark Daughta said...

You GO, papi!