'You sound angry.'
'You sound sweet.'
'You sound ...'
well - in truth it doesn't matter what you sound like - all that matters is how I've constructed you. More on this in my next post.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
When memories rule your life and you won't admit it
When I was grwoing up, I learned the most important thing I can do - is make everything good, and nice, and cover it over so things appear great. So I've never talked about when my 5year daughter was angry with me for something years back - she decided to use her head as a clobber. The end of that story is what I don't talk about - cause it does not sound nice, or tidy, or make me look good. I also learned, that - that was also crucial for survival. 'Make sure you look good'.
Some back story:
As I've written here before - I was beaten up, and terrorized by my brothers on an almost daily basis starting at the age of 8. It was a difficult time, scary, and wrong. And it effected the way I grew up, and understood my relationships with men... and in fact all people.
I would avoid relationships with men altogether - or just not believe that real friendship interactions were possible. Or I'd understood that it all had to do with power and domination, and humiliation. That was what I understood.
That is what I understand.
I must always be on guard for an attack, or I must always be on the defensive. And well, I must always communicate subtle sarcastic tones to try and unnerve people around me. I'm not always like this - but it is part of me for sure. Admitting and talking about this after such a long while came only because of an argument 1TMB and I were having. And argument that brought our relationship and family to the brink of collapse. It still teders ...
You see, I chose to see her as my oppressor, dominator too. It affords me a lot of room to not listen to her, be mean, and overall have a place to put my anger - yes -
without any regard for how she feels.
Did I mention feelings were not really a big priority in my house growing up?
They weren't at all - and in fact, they aren't now either.
So, at the top - I mentioned how my daughter was frustrated at me ( her father) and decided she was going to try and bump me with her head to show her discontent. Having not dealt with any of my triggers, memories, and family in any meaningful way - I suddenly saw my daughter as my abusive brother - barreling down at me.
She was 5.
Didn't matter.
I moved out of her way, which resulted in her bumping into the wall behind me, and starting to cry.
-
It has taken me years and years and under INTENSE pressure to even murmur any words about his. And I mean murmur because 1tbm has been hitting her head against a metaphorical brick wall for almost 8 years - trying to get me to speak open and honestly about this and other feelings happening in my head.
I refuse.
She tells me it is important, for our children's lives, our family house, for what is left of our relationship/friendship connection.
I refuse. I refuse. I refuse.
Clearly something is wrong here.
My daughter? Well, thankful she has a mother like 1tbm who does use a lot of words. 1tbm and herself have great connection and 1tbm has been filling in much of the gaps (I have left gulfs..) that I created in some of my interactions with daughter.
This was not the way it was suppose to be.
My son is 3.
Some back story:
As I've written here before - I was beaten up, and terrorized by my brothers on an almost daily basis starting at the age of 8. It was a difficult time, scary, and wrong. And it effected the way I grew up, and understood my relationships with men... and in fact all people.
I would avoid relationships with men altogether - or just not believe that real friendship interactions were possible. Or I'd understood that it all had to do with power and domination, and humiliation. That was what I understood.
That is what I understand.
I must always be on guard for an attack, or I must always be on the defensive. And well, I must always communicate subtle sarcastic tones to try and unnerve people around me. I'm not always like this - but it is part of me for sure. Admitting and talking about this after such a long while came only because of an argument 1TMB and I were having. And argument that brought our relationship and family to the brink of collapse. It still teders ...
You see, I chose to see her as my oppressor, dominator too. It affords me a lot of room to not listen to her, be mean, and overall have a place to put my anger - yes -
without any regard for how she feels.
Did I mention feelings were not really a big priority in my house growing up?
They weren't at all - and in fact, they aren't now either.
So, at the top - I mentioned how my daughter was frustrated at me ( her father) and decided she was going to try and bump me with her head to show her discontent. Having not dealt with any of my triggers, memories, and family in any meaningful way - I suddenly saw my daughter as my abusive brother - barreling down at me.
She was 5.
Didn't matter.
I moved out of her way, which resulted in her bumping into the wall behind me, and starting to cry.
-
It has taken me years and years and under INTENSE pressure to even murmur any words about his. And I mean murmur because 1tbm has been hitting her head against a metaphorical brick wall for almost 8 years - trying to get me to speak open and honestly about this and other feelings happening in my head.
I refuse.
She tells me it is important, for our children's lives, our family house, for what is left of our relationship/friendship connection.
I refuse. I refuse. I refuse.
Clearly something is wrong here.
My daughter? Well, thankful she has a mother like 1tbm who does use a lot of words. 1tbm and herself have great connection and 1tbm has been filling in much of the gaps (I have left gulfs..) that I created in some of my interactions with daughter.
This was not the way it was suppose to be.
My son is 3.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
You know what is really hard? Tracking my behaviours
I was sitting on my verandha having a conversation with DD a few moments ago and after much struggle to get me to talk (still as we close in on 10 years), and I begin to realize that I totally take relationships: the construction, the maintenance, the crafting, the building, the caring - .. I totally take it all for granted.
I never saw anyone crafting the kind of relationships they wanted to have with others growing up. From what I could tell, and from what my parents have told me, you're just supposed to roll with whatever the Universe has dealt you.
I know FOR ME, I certainly didn't grow up understanding the need to put thought into relationships. I really didn't. If they happened they did, if they didn't, they didn't. And my relationship with DD - that's a nightmare so much of the time in terms of communicating and building (except when I want something done).
Breathing.
Sad.
Deep exhale.
I say to myself, that I'd like a partner in crime, someone to share everything with, but I'm not sure that's true.
Fuck!
I know I say this all the time.. but I will start more blogging again. It does help.
Gotta pick up daughter from camp now.
I never saw anyone crafting the kind of relationships they wanted to have with others growing up. From what I could tell, and from what my parents have told me, you're just supposed to roll with whatever the Universe has dealt you.
I know FOR ME, I certainly didn't grow up understanding the need to put thought into relationships. I really didn't. If they happened they did, if they didn't, they didn't. And my relationship with DD - that's a nightmare so much of the time in terms of communicating and building (except when I want something done).
Breathing.
Sad.
Deep exhale.
I say to myself, that I'd like a partner in crime, someone to share everything with, but I'm not sure that's true.
Fuck!
I know I say this all the time.. but I will start more blogging again. It does help.
Gotta pick up daughter from camp now.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Equity, a start
The mornings, and nighttime are a hard place for me. They always have been.
Hands around neck
Grabbing
Squeezing
Yelling
No One coming.
That really hurts.
-
Above: a memory from my past between my abusive brother and I.
I find myself in the same place again.
Well, maybe this is a different place today. THIS morning I actually decided to write something.
It was about 5am and Sholee my 3 year old woke up and wanted to see his mother. He is being taken off breast milk and I can see that DD doesn't get full sleep when he sleeps with her. He moves his legs, arms, waist every which way while breastfeeding.
It has taken me a while to even sleep with him- I didn't want too - I just wanted to try and get some sleep. But DD repeatedly asked me how I understood getting restful sleep over and over again- while she did not.
How did I understand doing that, but still expect her to function fully in the house and in our various art/business schemes.
Well really, I didn't really care.
I know, it sounds bad. But I didn't.
I just wanted what I wanted. And I still want WHAT I want - inequitably. You see, I think I understand equity in theory - but I need reminding in real life. You know, I also think to myself - these arguments would not be happening with a man, because I would already (built into the patriarchy) respect them enough to not try and make an effort to be equitable.
But DD isn't a man, and so here I am writing on the computer and feeling very sad about communicating not being taught to me when I was a child, whether it was by my father (which it was not) or whether was a brother or well someone.
That really sucks. My little boy longs for it, and thinks DD is his parent. Not a good place for either DD or myself.
My little boy sees DD as the father he didn't have.
Hands around neck
Grabbing
Squeezing
Yelling
No One coming.
That really hurts.
-
Above: a memory from my past between my abusive brother and I.
I find myself in the same place again.
Well, maybe this is a different place today. THIS morning I actually decided to write something.
It was about 5am and Sholee my 3 year old woke up and wanted to see his mother. He is being taken off breast milk and I can see that DD doesn't get full sleep when he sleeps with her. He moves his legs, arms, waist every which way while breastfeeding.
It has taken me a while to even sleep with him- I didn't want too - I just wanted to try and get some sleep. But DD repeatedly asked me how I understood getting restful sleep over and over again- while she did not.
How did I understand doing that, but still expect her to function fully in the house and in our various art/business schemes.
Well really, I didn't really care.
I know, it sounds bad. But I didn't.
I just wanted what I wanted. And I still want WHAT I want - inequitably. You see, I think I understand equity in theory - but I need reminding in real life. You know, I also think to myself - these arguments would not be happening with a man, because I would already (built into the patriarchy) respect them enough to not try and make an effort to be equitable.
But DD isn't a man, and so here I am writing on the computer and feeling very sad about communicating not being taught to me when I was a child, whether it was by my father (which it was not) or whether was a brother or well someone.
That really sucks. My little boy longs for it, and thinks DD is his parent. Not a good place for either DD or myself.
My little boy sees DD as the father he didn't have.
Friday, June 12, 2009
My son turns 3
I'm back. again. Well I never really went anywhere.
Today (like most days) I feel like a teenager. Except I get a lot more attention from others now, and I don't look so awkward. That is generally my focus however. Am I getting attention? I'm like an attention whore. Actually I am an attention whore.
But, I'd like to focus on my family again. YOu see, I seem to be sitting on the reality that I'm very similiar to my father. God - I thought if I just ignored this reality long enough - it would just go away.
But here I am (look HOW MANY years ago I started this blog) and I feel like I've gone nowhere.
Today is my son's birthday. I can't believe he's 3. I can remember catching him, when he came out of Dark. What a day that was. What a day this will be. Tomorrow, I'll be hosting a naming ceremony.
I worry a bit about hosting anything, and about it's focus on men. But, it's important. Why worry - well -I've never done anything like it before. Don't get me wrong, I'm also super excited. It will be good to have the men who I'm close to at the particular point in my life to come and help celebrate his life.
Today (like most days) I feel like a teenager. Except I get a lot more attention from others now, and I don't look so awkward. That is generally my focus however. Am I getting attention? I'm like an attention whore. Actually I am an attention whore.
But, I'd like to focus on my family again. YOu see, I seem to be sitting on the reality that I'm very similiar to my father. God - I thought if I just ignored this reality long enough - it would just go away.
But here I am (look HOW MANY years ago I started this blog) and I feel like I've gone nowhere.
Today is my son's birthday. I can't believe he's 3. I can remember catching him, when he came out of Dark. What a day that was. What a day this will be. Tomorrow, I'll be hosting a naming ceremony.
I worry a bit about hosting anything, and about it's focus on men. But, it's important. Why worry - well -I've never done anything like it before. Don't get me wrong, I'm also super excited. It will be good to have the men who I'm close to at the particular point in my life to come and help celebrate his life.
Friday, May 01, 2009
NEW BLOG TO PROMOTE
http://sweetteaqueers.wordpress.com/about/
Thank-you anonymous (sad that you with held your blog, or other identity) but thanks for this. It is good to see folks are doing things. Right on! This makes me very very happy. Cheers!
Thank-you anonymous (sad that you with held your blog, or other identity) but thanks for this. It is good to see folks are doing things. Right on! This makes me very very happy. Cheers!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A NEW FRIEND DID A LITTLE SHAFTING
I had another session with my counselor. We did more of the psycho dramatic sessions- this time I played my mother. I had been holding off on doing her - but some really important truths came out it. He (my counselor) made an obversation about my childhood house. Remember, he's asked me to perform each member of my family house. We done my great aunt, my father and then over the past few weeks - we/I've been dealing with the death of my father-in-law.
Jim (not my counselor's name) after now "seeing" all the adults that we the house was set up like when you came home, everyone entered their own silos. I have a lot more to write about this. And I will - but right now.. to my friend.
I always have had a problem with that word - but for a brief time I think I forgot about the dynamics that can exist between people when nothing is acknowledged. Really, I think I loved so much to spend time with this person - he seemed to match me creatively, and in terms of passion and vigor - that I forgot one crucial and totally PARAMOUNT element to our interaction.
He is primarily a work contact. And I only have myself to blame .. so much stuff rapped up in being near this person. He's charming, humble, good looking, talented, and funny. I like being around him - I don't feel like I need to be the one carrying the interaction. He's also bigger than I am - and since I had abusive brothers, neglectful parents - my little boy inside - saw him as a great protector.
Fuck.
Christ.
Shit.
God damn it..
I really liked him.
I felt good hanging out with him. Why did he have to go and be a fuck head?
More to come.
Boy, it feels good to put this down on paper and look it. I'm starting to look at the ways I engage with various people , and take them for granted.
More later.. - I pulled an all nighter and then dropped the kid at school.
Jim (not my counselor's name) after now "seeing" all the adults that we the house was set up like when you came home, everyone entered their own silos. I have a lot more to write about this. And I will - but right now.. to my friend.
I always have had a problem with that word - but for a brief time I think I forgot about the dynamics that can exist between people when nothing is acknowledged. Really, I think I loved so much to spend time with this person - he seemed to match me creatively, and in terms of passion and vigor - that I forgot one crucial and totally PARAMOUNT element to our interaction.
He is primarily a work contact. And I only have myself to blame .. so much stuff rapped up in being near this person. He's charming, humble, good looking, talented, and funny. I like being around him - I don't feel like I need to be the one carrying the interaction. He's also bigger than I am - and since I had abusive brothers, neglectful parents - my little boy inside - saw him as a great protector.
Fuck.
Christ.
Shit.
God damn it..
I really liked him.
I felt good hanging out with him. Why did he have to go and be a fuck head?
More to come.
Boy, it feels good to put this down on paper and look it. I'm starting to look at the ways I engage with various people , and take them for granted.
More later.. - I pulled an all nighter and then dropped the kid at school.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Back from my counseling session...
I feel very raw today. I have never been rocked to my core.. of allowed myself to be rocked like I was last night during in treatment. The whole series (beyond the hype) is amazing. I feel amazing having this show and the character of Alex to connect with -- not in a lovely dovey way - just a simple connection.
And then they dropped a stone on my head. They killed him. I told my counselor that is simply not possible for an African american to exist past the specific stereotypes which have been allowed to flourish.
Questioning? Feeling? Asking? Demanding? NO NO NO
Lots of tears today in my counselors office.
Godd tears.
Healthly tears. Tears in the presence of anoth0er man. I felt ok. I felt safe.. not my usual experience with men. ANOTHER NONONO
Can we have more?
can't we have more than tracy Moore , Martin Laurence, and Eddie Murphy?
I am a complex being, hungry, thirdsty, for a new kind of brotha, a new kind of man.. no not the Obama "proper Blackman" kind of man.. but a sentient being who lives fully, thinks fully, loves fully.. happily, proudly.
Lots more to come
And then they dropped a stone on my head. They killed him. I told my counselor that is simply not possible for an African american to exist past the specific stereotypes which have been allowed to flourish.
Questioning? Feeling? Asking? Demanding? NO NO NO
Lots of tears today in my counselors office.
Godd tears.
Healthly tears. Tears in the presence of anoth0er man. I felt ok. I felt safe.. not my usual experience with men. ANOTHER NONONO
Can we have more?
can't we have more than tracy Moore , Martin Laurence, and Eddie Murphy?
I am a complex being, hungry, thirdsty, for a new kind of brotha, a new kind of man.. no not the Obama "proper Blackman" kind of man.. but a sentient being who lives fully, thinks fully, loves fully.. happily, proudly.
Lots more to come
Alex
'I don't want to talk about it" is the title of the book I've been reading for over a year now.. off and on.. for me it is emotionally draining and exciting all at once. Not like any other book I've put my hands on...
... It is so amazing.. it should be required reading for all men today. Period.
No really it should.
I picked it up again off the bookshelf just to re-connect to Real's (the author) words and was again reminded of the torment so many men live under and don't even know it - in terms of so many decisions.. daily decisions they make - in an effort to live up to the "masculinity" standards.
I certainly have a past of trying to live up to those standards.
Earlier this year, I started watching episodes of the HBO series "In Treatment". Over the past couple of weeks, Darkdaughta and I started to watch the show in a batch. I think we've watched about 30-35 of the episodes .. and one of the characters that really stands out to me is 'Alex' portrayed by Blair Underwood.
I don't want to give away too much if you haven't seen the show... but it is truly amazing to watch this actor play this specific role. It (the role) is UNLIKE any African-American character I've seen in on network or cable television in recent memory.. forget that.. in all of my memory.
And take note: FYI - I by no means only watch Black american characters on the tube - quite the opposite in fact... because sooo many of the Black characters on TV are written as flat as a Denny's flap jack - I have now come to expect Black characters to be under-developed, under-written, and just generally lacking.
It is actually this kind of stereotype that I battle with on this site, and in the real world... No worries though.. life continues... I continue.. - back to the show...
As soon as I was introduced to the character - pieces of him I 'knew', other pieces I didn't want to know, ... but I did. Alex is a classic case of someone who is so-hyper masculine - you know that a little boy is hiding under there.. scared and alone.
I think a lot of men are in Alex's shoes. I'm not saying we are exactly like this character however, pieces of us are there. How could would not be? We (men) have not - in any real fundamental way really looked at how we have been formed - the choices we have made in regards to so many of out life decisions that supposedly make us 'real' men.
The decisions are all made for us: who we'll love, who we'll love, who'll fuck, who'll we'll hate, what we wear, how we walk, how we talk, how we eat, how we listen, HOW WE FEEL, how we talk about how we feel.. the list goes on, and on and on. I'm also looking at a book named Iron John. It speaks to some of this.. but I've only just begun.. so I'll let you know how that's going...
----I just watched the next episodes of the show... I'm in shock/my heads exploding/lots to process/father/son/trauma/...
will continue tomorrow
Good night
... It is so amazing.. it should be required reading for all men today. Period.
No really it should.
I picked it up again off the bookshelf just to re-connect to Real's (the author) words and was again reminded of the torment so many men live under and don't even know it - in terms of so many decisions.. daily decisions they make - in an effort to live up to the "masculinity" standards.
I certainly have a past of trying to live up to those standards.
Earlier this year, I started watching episodes of the HBO series "In Treatment". Over the past couple of weeks, Darkdaughta and I started to watch the show in a batch. I think we've watched about 30-35 of the episodes .. and one of the characters that really stands out to me is 'Alex' portrayed by Blair Underwood.
I don't want to give away too much if you haven't seen the show... but it is truly amazing to watch this actor play this specific role. It (the role) is UNLIKE any African-American character I've seen in on network or cable television in recent memory.. forget that.. in all of my memory.
And take note: FYI - I by no means only watch Black american characters on the tube - quite the opposite in fact... because sooo many of the Black characters on TV are written as flat as a Denny's flap jack - I have now come to expect Black characters to be under-developed, under-written, and just generally lacking.
It is actually this kind of stereotype that I battle with on this site, and in the real world... No worries though.. life continues... I continue.. - back to the show...
As soon as I was introduced to the character - pieces of him I 'knew', other pieces I didn't want to know, ... but I did. Alex is a classic case of someone who is so-hyper masculine - you know that a little boy is hiding under there.. scared and alone.
I think a lot of men are in Alex's shoes. I'm not saying we are exactly like this character however, pieces of us are there. How could would not be? We (men) have not - in any real fundamental way really looked at how we have been formed - the choices we have made in regards to so many of out life decisions that supposedly make us 'real' men.
The decisions are all made for us: who we'll love, who we'll love, who'll fuck, who'll we'll hate, what we wear, how we walk, how we talk, how we eat, how we listen, HOW WE FEEL, how we talk about how we feel.. the list goes on, and on and on. I'm also looking at a book named Iron John. It speaks to some of this.. but I've only just begun.. so I'll let you know how that's going...
----I just watched the next episodes of the show... I'm in shock/my heads exploding/lots to process/father/son/trauma/...
will continue tomorrow
Good night
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