Thursday, January 03, 2008

I CAN FALL ASLEEP WHILE listeningTO YOU and on a loud nightclub speaker

When I was over at my aunt's place, I noticed something that I really didn't connect with . Sleep. And I mean a lot of it. I grew up around people, and visited people that always fell asleep while you were on the phone with them, talking to them, or while watching TV. And no one, including Ophelia EVER actually admitted to falling as sleep. IT was always, "I'm resting my eyes.." or "I'm not sleeping, I'm just dozing" or "You just thought I was sleeping, but really you were imagining things." This last one is my personal fave!

FUCK.

It sounds kind of funny, but really, I am stuck in the truth of having fallen asleep in som many odd situations, leading right up to - in conversation with DD. I have scratched my own head, thinking to myself - did I really fall asleep? Oh DD would say .. you sure did - "and who do you think you are to just fall asleep... without warning me or anything, AND the deny it!"

While we were at my aunt's house a week back or so, DD noticed in conversation with one of my aunts, and through her actions that auto-sleep, as I like to call it, is all over my family.

I know I used sleep and making myself fall asleep for difficult situations.. like being attacked as a child, or more accurately - after- waiting, no one would come, I would crawl into a ball and go to sleep - hoping when I woke up, all would be better.

It never was.

I still try and use this auto-sleeping today, in the wrong places... I'm no longer that little boy...
... in fact, I think I need to write a post about sleep, being up late, fear, and worling a lot...

In the mean time...

I went reading my older posts. I'd like to link to an older post about what I did in 2006 to try and move some of this stuff. This year I's like to re-visit the men's group, and also re-visit the idea of starting my own. Going to go now... but not to fall asleep.

4 comments:

The Rogue Midwife said...

You forgot to mention subway trains :)

Loving Pecola said...

Hello there!

I came over by way of darkdaughta's blog. I'm glad you're writing this stuff down. She mentioned something about you and this topic in the comments of one of my posts. (see the November 14th, Day in the Life of Humans, post!) It's wonderful to see it in your own words, and it's helpful entryway into talking to my man ("the man") about how and why he does this, too.

So, thanks. ;o)

Also, love, love, loved the photo over at 1TBM when you had on the black hat and scarf/coat in the kitchen! Beautiful.

LP

Christopher B. said...

I'm also feeling your descriptive vulnerability in the re-linked blogpost about masculinity and touch. We have a lot of work to do as men getting over our fears of being close (physically, emotionally) with other men, and I appreciate you sharing pieces of the process.

Keep on writing, and keep on reflecting. We need such public conversation!

-CBK

s2 said...

Thanks for coming by blog. I am not used to reaching out to other men... but that is the reason to for this blog... kind of like a probe set adrift...

... That post about touch was intense to write...and being there with those guys really meant a lot to my development. But I have so much more personal work to do. Some might say: it's too "public." But since men don't talk about there feelings - (one of my favorite books is "I don't want to talk about it" by Terrence Real) I have to talk about my experiences in the hopes men see it and respond/ and share.

I was raised with lots of silence... the risk of talking... being in Black community and feeling like: people are going to know about YOUR family!!! But really, truly... this is my life and I either complain and complain (which I love to do) or
I try and make change, which I'm struggling in doing.

My partner has a site, darkdaughta.blogspot.com where she is having very interesting conversation. Bloggers are connecting and commenting and learning from each other... seems really exciting. Difficult, yet exciting. One of the bloggers, Freeslave (not sure if you know his site -thefreeslave.wordpress.com) was writing some interesting feelings about being a Black man ... words I could really relate to...
I hope we can continue communicating as I think, like I'm sure you do - it's crucial.